'Love' is only a word. It only exists in our head because we've defined it for centuries. It's the Santa Claus and tooth fairy we all believe in. We created it. Anyone who believes it is reaching for something unreachable. Those who don't believe it miss out on the high of the happy times and the low of the hurt. They'll never be disappointed though. 'Love' was made up by people dissatisfied with life.

It's our will that keeps us breathing even after there is no oxygen left.

To determine whether we can make it with others we have to have the ability to make it on our own.

Let's find a place no one has before and call it home.

People who try to be writers spend hours thinking of clever things to write but born writers have clever thoughts all the time that they eventually realize is worth being put down on paper.

"I'm the hero of this story. I don't need to be saved." Heroes should be left to comic books. In every villain there's a heart and every hero there's sin. What happens the day you realize you aren't the hero? Well, I fell in love. It only takes one person to put you in your place. But that's what I've been wanting. It was something nobody had given me before.

It's impossible to not exist in a world that is only meant for the existent.

Forgive the sun if it can't shine bright enough.

Don't cry

"Don't cry
Most days I'm okay
Come steal my heart

How I wish everything was simple
How I wish everything didn't end in lies
How I wish I could just keep turning back time
How I wish I could be more like me
When I didn't have to worry about myself
How I wish I could just keep turning back time

Forgive me if I cannot try any harder
You make it seem like everything I do means nothing at all
As complications go this can't get any sweeter
Don't cry"

i'm gone, i'm gone, i'm gone
i'm so far beyond
the point of no return
I don't think you'll ever learn

I love the way you make me feel worthless because it only makes me try harder.
It's what I've wanted.
And one thing I'm definitely not anymore.. is a liar.

I'm standing twelve feet tall
and I can't see over the leaves
on the ground in fall
you're standing three feet short
so close to the floor
but always doing your part
I never understood why
I'm still pushing off the ground
while you're so high up in the sky
but when all your feathers all to the ground
I'll catch every single one
then send you heaven bound

----

The nervousness of your thought set in and I watched the heat waves rise even though it was ten below with wind chill. Ever since you came into my life I've been walking on the sky and looking up at the ground because you proved every thing I thought I knew wrong.

I.. don't know.

I was going to write.
But I just remembered I need to take my medicine.

Wow I read just about all my posts. I think my writing may have gotten better. I'm glad I took that break from relationships. Because I think I was only so confused then because I was trying to lie to myself. I'm glad all that drama is gone now though. Psychiatrist appt today. Woo? I'm doing better in school. Except today.. I haven't felt like doing much at all. I might start writing more frequently. Once I find my purple notebook..

We're building bridges only to drench them in oil and wait for the tiniest spark to set them ablaze in which we will run to the hills and sit above watching the fire burn the city down to the very ashes you'll kneel by and reminisce every moment as you look to the sky and witness the clouds dancing around, playing every scene in your head as if time had never existed.

recent drawings

hide under the ground and above the sky
it's the perfect disguise
in fact you're feeling alive
chase the air above where birds take flight
but under every rock you hide
when the clock strikes daylight
fear what you can't fight
not what's out of sight
and to the deepest oceans you could dive.

--

you walk outside the feel the wind on your skin
it tickles and dances across your face
letting you know you're alive
hold your hand high grasping the life you couldn't find
your body seeping through the opposite end
feeling like you're falling from existence
time is at a bend
and the doors of reality seem untouchable
as you feel through everything material
how could you be so lost? asks the traveler
you have no path to lead or follow
there are no ups, downs, lefts and rights
nor south, north, east and west
but the purity of guidance
and the entanglement of pride
stretch you every which way
'til there is no place unscratched

hello sky, please don't fall tonight
i fear the world will pass me by
got to fly through these walls that surround my skull
took a long plane ride to another world
sun, why do you rise while the leaves still fall
then an explosion so big no one even saw
there is no order to go by in my head
and stomach full of lies which i've been fed

"daydreamer"

i was holding your hand walking down the street. you were telling me about your day. i look up at the clouds and they start to get bigger. then i look at the ground and it's at least a mile away by now. i look to my side and i still see you talking about your day in the same tone as always. my mouth starts to drop and my brain hovers in my skull as i free fall to the heavens. "what's wrong," you say. "nothing." because nothing is ever wrong and nothing is ever right. especially without your feet planted on the ground. not to mention your head and basically everything else in the clouds. i look to see disbelief on your face and by now i've stopped moving completely. "you're acting strange. i'm going inside before my this fog makes my hair frizz," you say. i look down at the sidewalk then smile and follow you inside.

sifting through the ashes i'll pretend i found what i'm looking for
lost in time and all that was said and done before
this is a sickness with no cure
a hook with no lure
but i wish for one to feel how i did on those nights
instead of living with all this spite
will i ever learn to love again?

---

you're my love to call a saint only for tonight
fall to the beat of the drums in the fight of your life
scar to scar it makes our worlds go 'round
mechanical lover, you're the air under my feet
with a nut and bolt heart, knowing you would never bleed
motionless bride, your day is yet to come a little too late
celebration turns to mourning since you threw it all away.

---

a prisoner to the horizon, i feel the ache settle in
you're a martyr when your memories surpass you
don't fail me now as you hold my dreams solid
and when your shadow gets dense, withers to an illusion
i know i'm gone, such a lost cause without you
your infection shooting through my veins
i'm an underlying ailment meant to fall to my disposition
we're chemists with a hazard called love
suspended in time each frozen moment
this absurdity has constructed, as if life isn't enough
but that's utterly mistaken at best
because without you love is my last guest.

moment frozen in time like a soldier who saw a bullet coming his way
struck to the ground by a force far greater than they
you have to catch your breath before you can stand again
but you always wished it gone before and that's why it ran
now you're on your deathbed and your muscles refuse to work
regretting all the reasons you wanted to die before
with the little you have left, do what you can
carpe diem

if my stupid poem could fix this home i'd write it everyday

i can't blame you for wanting to be happy
and since then you gave up everything
just for me
but i wish you could see
this house is broken
our home destroyed by sin
we still have to live in the consequences
that leave us unable to sleep at night
shouldn't i appreciate it?
but i'm selfish and wrong
i knew this all along
i'm just a kid
and what you did
won't let me go
i'm sinking so far below
more than i ever have
out of life's grasp.

I think I'm going to write a book. I already started. This is the very beginning.

This isn't a love story. Although, this is a story about love. I guess we should start with introductions. I am a tragedy and in this tragedy a hopeless romantic fights the standards of society.
I never understood why my breath had to show on mornings like these other than to shove it in my face just how frigid it is outside. I'm sure there's a completely logical, technical explanation for it but I'm not a very strong believer in technicality. Truthfully, I'm not a very strong believer in anything.
Bus rides are always the best in the mornings but I prefer none at all. There's always screaming kids that act like there isn't an ounce of maturity in their bodies, blaring headphones, playing repetitive beats with ignorant lyrics to top it off and a headache to match it all. I've had so much practice at tuning everything out though I could be sitting in a meadow of flowers for all I realize right now. Staring out the window, I see nothing that's actually there until a swamp comes into view. Every morning we pass it as the bus driver follows his daily route but this one spot always captures my attention. It's not the swamp in particular but two swans. They're always in the middle, swimming together, right next to each other. Every single morning it makes me think and every single morning it gives me another spark of hope only to diminish by the end of the day.
We arrive at school and nothing is different from any other morning, as much as I wish it would be. The building is still in tact and the kids are still running around like children at a birthday party. A breeze came down but instead of causing chills it was a warm gust and I felt a slight burst of optimism as I headed through the front doors. I searched every face in the hallways sort of looking for context clues instead of watching my feet as I walked to my homeroom. Happy. Depressed. Excited. Nervous. I realized people weren't that hard to read. And that's why I hated them. We're both humans but I feel and think. They feel and do. A kid ran through the hallway playfully chasing another one, dodging students like track hurdles, but tripped over me and knocking me into the lockers. Maybe I should start "feeling and doing" rather than "feeling and thinking". Because I would have knocked him square in his face instead of realizing it was an honest mistake and automatically, against my will, forgiving him. So I keep the anger stored inside my fist for another day.

oh, addicting MMO's

Macs must hate any type of MMORPG or anything similar to it. Or the games hate Macs. Actually the feeling seems mutual. But it's lead me to dropping my last obsession, Ragnarok Online, from a few years ago to downloading WoW. The only decent MMO for Macs. And now I think I'm becoming addicted. Four hours straight so far and I hope it doesn't cut into my writing because I've actually made progress lately. I don't want to take a step back but hey, it's for the sake of the night elf druids.

"you don't know me and you don't wear my chains"

a million voices screaming from the past
calling you like an empty casket
that's why i burned this city down in my head
leaving all the survivors for dead
a shadow of a butterfly went fluttering by
wishing it could fly away, telling itself
"only a few more days
i'll leave this town"

Entranced by the world

i wish you would come home
back to the place where we've grown
with clouds in your head
you can't break free from this city that's almost dead
i know your stomach's turning inside out from the pain you feel now
but that's what life's all about

i can only hope you'll hold me up when it hurts too much to take
i'll drop the rope and pull you up, don't think i'll leave your life at stake
and when you get weary i'll hold you dear to my heart
even though it was cold since the start, it's been melting in every memory of you.

This isn't a poem. I just wrote whatever came to my mind last night. It has significance to me.

your lips move slowly and touch mine. collisions like a car crash on both sides. i don't know why but i adore it. i see your flaws and they pluck my nerves as they would any other person but when your heads on my chest it just starts to sink in leaving no room for the demons inside me. you're insecure and breaking your walls down would be like a paralyzed patient at a mental hospital trying to escape. i could maybe get free.. if only i were able to climb the walls. i could possibly break your walls down if i had the ability to see over my own. if only there were one big wall and we were on the same side instead of opposites. it feels more like a maze of walls than just one huge barrier though. with one, you just need persistence. but in a maze you are easily lost and confused. so my attempt to love and be loved in return is in vain until i break down these walls. the same goes for you. maybe when we both find out what we need to do and do it, i'll meet you at the end of the maze.

you're so dense. it's unbelievable how i ever liked you. you were holding me back but i learned so much when we were over.

Paradoxes of Life

Well... This sure makes you think. I forgot I wrote it. But I was in English and we were talking about paradoxes. So.. I made a poem type thing out of it instead of listening to the lesson. It might explain my grade in that class.

Paradoxes of Life
"there was no death nor immortality"
in these frail minds, boundaries unbroken
with words of imperfect meaning
this world cannot exist with what's not created
and "created" a mere term left for the gods
so here in life nothing is changed
though everything is
there is no stand still
though everything's laid out
in a plan, on a set, in a script before us
left for us to burn
the continuing paradoxes of life

Us On Worse Terms

you're a liar with the disease of desire
fixation on the blood escaping your arm
darling don't you dare deceive me tonight
with too much at stake for you to fake winning this fight

i share no trust with you and this guilt containing longing is past overdue
if i were to sink into your grasp i'd surely count on betrayal on my behalf
with skin too tight to hold all your scheming inside, when it tears open there goes all your pride
fluttering by my wings won't be torn and you'll be laid to rest in scorn
oh rest in peace you dear thief in fear the whole world is watching

1
you're a sinner and a saint with a god complex to hate
kneeling at the alter, you're the one at fault here
and as the sky turns to grey, all meaning slips away
should've thought it over, thought you were so damn clever

2
eyes to match a sunset with a disguise to keep me guessing
you're all that's left and for the world being so cruel
i can't help but smile when i'm around you
scars filled with good intentions, bars in our minds to block the apprehension
i'll take you to the skyline, miles from the pain left behind
they won't know where we went, just say it'll be life well spent

wind
i left school today, started running so far away
won't let it catch me 'til i fall to my knees
meant to haunt me for life
i can feel it under my stride
wish you would have mentioned
nature's cruel intentions
even the birds are at mercy
the sailors at sea filled with worry.

my stepdad is so annoying.
seriously.
i was napping and he goes and plays the keyboard on the organ setting so loud that it wakes me up.
i'm assuming he did it so i'd get up and leave because he's a jerk and wanted to watch tv.
but no i'm never allowed to have the keyboard above a certain volume even when no ones watching tv.
i just wanna leave here and never see him again.
not to mention i've been in a horrible mood without him adding to it.
i can't see sierra and all i've been doing for the past like two weeks was going over her house.
so now all i do is eat everything in the house, draw all over my walls, write poetry, and watch NCIS, CSI and criminal minds.
She got me addicted to those shows unfortunately.
But not the paranormal shows thank god.
i just keep wondering if she's okay.
but then i think it's kind of clingy.
so i try to leave her alone.
not that we're dating.
i'm just trying to avoid being clingy because we hang out SO much.
but anyways, i'm actually doing my homework.
it's not that bad.
and i sort of like the book we were assigned in english.
i'm half way through it.
maybe i'll finish it by tomorrow because i read the first half in about a day.
i think my poetry is getting better.
it's coming more easily to me though.
now.. to just wait for my stepdad to fall asleep so i can go back to watching NCIS.
I suck.

hope i get to see you soon..

hey little blue jay why don't you sing?
was the downpour too heavy?
did it burn? did it sting?
hey little blue jay so far from the sky
where did your wings go?
why can't you fly?

they'll bury you deep in your grave
so far below
let the wind carry your spirit
where ever it blows
wish you could've been saved
but i was a little too late
i'll bring you to the heavens
i'll be your saving grace

"In a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take..


Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you
Hate me in ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you

And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made
And like a baby boy I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hand
And then I fell down yelling, "Make it go away,"
just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered, "How can you do this to me?" "

did you have to believe it or could you have just let the guilt sink in
we're fighting a million battles over again for each and every sin
and i promise daylight won't come til they pay for what they've done

i wrote part of this on the way to the viewing yesterday and then the rest while i was falling asleep. i had intended for them to be separate but i think they go together well.

lives are lost and at what cost do we defy these deserving circumstances
life wrapped around metal while they're still so little
like a flower's petals falling in spring
dream of an unwanted feel on unholy ground we kneel
and for better or for worse her body rolled away in a hearse
grab the string of restoration, pull and pull it til you feel no pain
let your pride shrink again, small as a grain

anyways, i think i might get into architecture.

something i wrote in french class awhile ago

it's two hours 'til midnight and you're falling for your worst bet
these are the nights i'll remember the most when I'm lying all alone

i'll pray to go back to those days after i gave it all away
you're everything in the world that i want
and i just need to hold you again but i am who i am
and that's why i throw away everything that ever meant anything

i can see your face in the sky when i'm looking at the ground
i can hear your voice in the waves when there aren't any around
you're in everything i see and do, in every motion and every sound
i wish that you had stayed because now you're everywhere but i can't have you like the air
and windy days i love the most cause they take me back to those days we weren't alone

i can't hold onto you
like i have a better chance of grasping the wind
so i take to something i can but you're still all i see because i can't be without you
you took time with you when you left me behind
and it took forever again for me to find
i'm getting nowhere without you in my life
cause everyday feels like i worthless fight
only against myself, the part that lost you
and everything that i do

it's definitely not one of my best.
here's one i wrote today in french.

take the wings and turn them to grey, let scrutiny fly away
like a bird in autumn, wont come back til kingdom come
where do you go so distant in the sky, where do you go when you cant fly?

this one i wrote the other day.
it's depressing but i wasn't in a bad mood. it just came to me lol.

sinking with the sunset, falling into fate, like a flower withering away
a willow weeping from a long lost love
the wind's a familiar scent to those who can't smell and an old comfort to those who only feel sorrow
her surface cold, dying from the inside out
til death do you part, over again in her head, life full of grace brought to an end.

like i said, depressing.
the last one i won't post. it's too meaningful to me but one of my favorites. so i might eventually.

eh

funeral today. :/ bleh.
hopefully i get to go to joppatowne tonight.
i wanna do another mural. that charcoal pastel stuff was fun..

but there's still tomorrow. forget the sorrow.

this room seemed like a completely different place when you were in it.

i believe in absurdity but not love. therefore i must believe in love.

"if this ain't love then how do we get out?"

i hate the 23rd of every month.
i wish the basement was clean again so i could play pool.
thank god it's the weekend cause it's just been one of those weeks..
wish you lived closer.. that's probably asking too much
i'm glad you don't live forever away
but i still miss you
greggorys been a little monster lately
but i guess i still have to love him because he's my little monster
i just wish he'd stop wiping his butt on the towels in the bathroom
and on that i think i'm gonna go and maybe take another nap..

i hate wanting to go somewhere but not being able to because my mom is taking a nap in the middle of the day. so today i set an alarm in her room and hid it after trying everything else i could think of without being successful. i went in my room and five minutes later she comes out looking all tired and says to me.. you're evil.
(:
these things make me smile.

good day good day(:
sick. but getting better i think :D
i felt sooo miserable this morning and afternoon. but then took extra strength tylenol and cough drops and i was good(: went to ice world and met sierra. that was fun. i have a psychiatrist appt tomorrow and hopefully i can hang out with brittany or sierra afterwards. then i'm supposed to spend the night at catts. it's been sooo long since i've seen her. i hope my cold goes away soon D; it's miserable.

left school early today caus i didn't feel good.
i'm about to eat some chicken noodle soup then take some meds and nap.
i hope i can still do stuff this weekend.

greggory<3 (:

new day's resolution.
there's no better time to get better right?
i may not have any musical talent. but i still love it.
so i'm determined to get better at piano.
i want to read more often.
because i can never finish anything.
i want to draw more often.
because i'll never get better if i don't practice.
i need to be less antisocial
because i know i'll regret it.
focus more on schoolwork
because i can't let it start to slip.
and i have to have a more positive attitude
because i won't get anywhere if i keep getting frustrated over things.

i'm glad we're talking again. like insanely glad. i never thought it'd be this way again and i almost gave up. i love you. i won't screw it up this time.

i can't write everything in here that i want to because uhh... quite a few people read it.
so i'll just save this for mostly poems, short stories and very vague rants about .. girls. lol.

i got some nice art supplies from rachel's granddad (: woo. i'm excited to use them. especially the charcoal.

school tomorrow, and i have to type up something for FOT. that class is so dumb. i only like it because we can build stuff in it, i can get away with texting, and i have a few friends in that class. but the teacher... i'd prefer not to have.

bleh.

i

hope it gets there soon.

bet you're happy. you got what you want. and this is how it always is. it won't happen again.

i wanna fall from the sea and drown in the sky
the stars tell me it'll be okay
fish swim up above and look below in despair
thinking i'm dying from the air
but what they don't realize is the fire in my eyes.

Catalyst

catalyst, you tear her down but don't feel a thing
catalyst, you're ending the world without guilt or feeling
catalyst, you hear the sirens but your life is separate
catalyst, you're losing but you still go for your worst bet
catalyst, you breathe it in and it never comes out
catalyst, where were you when we had our doubts?


nobody realizes the indirect effects of their actions.

Rebuilt

none of you will know who this is about despite what you think.

glassy eyes and a broken down heart
worn out knees that never touched ground
she's got everyone worked down to an art
guidance was nowhere to be found
but she never let 'em steal her part
in the end she won't go without a sound

you're a sedative and hallucinogen at best
seeing the world for what it's made for
won't settle for any less
breaking it down to the core

she fell to the ground only to get the wind knocked out of her
but what she found when she got up was something greater

Pathological Liar

I was going about as usual and from nowhere you came into my life. Said you were a pathological liar and I don't need to know your name because it changes day by day. I ask you since you're a pathological liar how do I know you're telling me the truth. You said labels are just ways of generalizing the unique. So I didn't ask anymore and we went on about our days. One day you were not where you usually are and I began to wonder. I ran into you later and asked where you were. You say you've been there all along. And I ask why I should believe you since you're a pathological liar. I obviously didn't see you. You said "because I'm no liar" and that's the last time I saw you.

i feel like i don't even know you anymore and i'm wondering what it would've been like if i had seen you. i learned how to play the very beginning of dust in the wind by kansas on guitar. i hope i can either get an acoustic or a keyboard. i just finished writing some stuff in my journal and i think i'll post it on here soon.

i wrote this on my phone while i was falling asleep last night.

there's a little devil and a little god inside of me and they're raging war over who gets my heart and who gets my mind down to the very last particle 'til neither are mine and the battle's lost on both sides. The devil says "I'll put it to better use" and the god says "That's not the point". The devil says "There's no time for philosophy in the battles of the soul" but the god says "There is no time at all".

You can't be a writer when you don't believe in the worth of the words you're writing.

"All we are is dust in the wind. Everything is dust in the wind..Nothing lasts forever but the Earth and sky."

i can't stop thinking about you.
it was a good night.
minus a few things :/
i don't even know how to explain how i feel right now besides different. but not in a bad way.
i'm wondering if tonight was the end of us or if it was a few days ago. or if it'll never be.
and i'm wondering if tonight was the beginning. because i hope it doesn't end here.
going to listen to music and sleep i guess.

(=

today was a fun day. got called to the office for the detentions i missed. all they did was reschedule it. then i got another one for being late to class ): i've decided i'm going to try a lot harder in french but also in german even though that's not one of my classes. i've also signed up for ram hour for geometry so that should help. usually i don't text all day because it's not worth risking getting my phone taken away but you make me smile. i love talking to you. and hope i get to see you soon.. so on my way back from the office Iris screamed my name out from her classroom i was walking by and i stopped and was like HI :D i got detention! -holds up paper- and she was like BAD GIRL hahaha then i looked up and her teacher (who resembles mr. T) was glaring at me so I waved and ran haha. Later she saw me again and told me she talked to Jordan who is this girl who definitely looks gay but apparently she's straight? everyone even thinks she's a boy. haha. but iris said jordan said she thought i was weird but adorable hahaha. she probably thinks me and christine are creepers. but oh well it's still fun. then in math some girl passed me a note saying she thinks i'm adorable and to text her with her number :p pretty cool i guess but she's not my type. i have to get my stuff from christines house.. and i'm excited for the three day weekend.

hey moon, please forget to fall down. hey moon, don't you go down.

wow. this is how i know. you make me want to be a better person. and the world doesn't seem so dull anymore.
it's been awhile.
finally getting back into psychology, art, reading, and philosophy. oh, and music. it's.. great.

i'm sorry this wasn't easy

i was thinking i don't care anymore. but then i saw your picture and i couldn't help but remember how much i do. i've only been thinking about the bad so i can move on but every time i see you i can only remember the good. it doesn't matter though. i'm so tired. i'm still not used to getting up this early but i was actually on time for school today. so i think i like you a lot. i have since i saw you. we've been texting a lot since then. and everything about you seems amazing. like you're really not like anyone else i know yet you're so familiar that i can relate to you and trust you easily. idunno. i have to mail that thing..

ugh. i should've never even bothered. i just don't care anymore..
late for school again.. great.

you're out now i'm assuming and where ever you are and whenever we're not talking i'm wondering if you're with him whoever he is. and if he's making you smile like i do. if i'm even on your mind. or if the memories of us are slowly being erased with the ones you're making now. i don't understand how anyone could EVER like a guy that much. i could pick apart my brain and never find an answer. i don't know how to react to this. you'll end up hating me. there's only so much i can put you through that you can put up with. i just wish you understood why i act how i do and sometimes i wish i could be different so i'd be better for you but then i wouldn't be myself. yeah, i guess it's not a big deal compared to everything i did but you feel guilty for a reason. and i knew it. i had a feeling before you told me. nothing gave it away but whenever i actually get like this the other person always feels differently. oh well i'm leaving for my friends house.

i'm happy. until i think about you :/ it used to be the opposite. everything seems to be going right except you and me. this is probably karma. i could regret any of the things i did that lead to this but i believe nothing would have kept it from turning out like this. so i don't regret anything because i never do. but i have a sinking feeling in my stomach always thinking about it because only time will tell and one of the things i lack most is patience. i've searched this shoreline to see if you still care or wear my heart on your sleeve. i've been waiting here hoping you'd come back home to carry me away to where we used to be. but if your heart doesn't fall my way please know i wanted you to stay.

i hope you're not expecting a reply

i don't do well with these things so i guess silence is the answer. oh, and i'm listening to that one song you love.

"i swear it's like trying to catch a ghost, like i'm dying to hold smoke"

i downloaded brand new's new cd today and it doesn't come out for another few weeks. it's pretty good. i love 'at the bottom'. i haven't had time to really listen to the other songs but i read the lyrics and they're great. i fell asleep listening to it and it really isn't sleepy music.. anyways i dyed part of my hair blonde. it looks cool i guess. i just wanna get off the computer and finish the chapter in my book then go to bed. i'm actually looking forward to art class tomorrow. it's helped a lot. goodnight.

"go ahead and burn it down.. go ahead and build it up again"

i seriously wish i knew anything at all..

i don't know anything at all.

does anybody or can anybody?

This is the last night you'll spend alone.

Seriously? Picture day is Tuesday and I need hair dye. I have no problem with it being blue. But it's faded which sucks. I'll probably dye it either blonde or black. Maybe with some other colors in it. I don't wanna go to school anymore. I'm too hyper to sit still for an hour and a half. But I don't wanna be home. It's so boring. I even hate staying home sick. Everyone here is so boring. I'd paint but I want a big canvas to paint on. Then I want to paint on my walls. But I don't have all the colors I want. I want to play guitar but I don't have an acoustic or a tuner. I want to play piano but I'm not allowed to use my step dad's keyboard. I want to do so many things and there's always something stopping me. And then I wanna actually do stuff with you but you're always too busy sleeping or working or on the computer. Or playing with Rachel. Or helping her with schoolwork. I hate it even more here when he gets home. I get that he doesn't like me but does he really have to try to hide it and be such a girl about it? He's selfish. Obviously, Rachel is his favorite. I don't think it was that way when I was little before we moved out. Or maybe I was just too young to realize it. But I kind of want to move in with my dad. At least he does stuff with me. Takes me places and understands that I'm a kid and I get bored. He understands me. I'm more like him than I'm like you. Sometimes I wish he never left. But then things would be completely different and I don't know if I would like them that way. I hate when people think that I'm just a kid so I must be naive and not know much. I know more than some adults. I hate restrictions. They're here to keep us safe? I can do that myself. We should all be responsible for ourselves. People are idiots. For trying to control me. I hate being controlled. Nobody knows my best interest besides me. So we got kicked out of the mall yesterday. Why? Brittany was giving me a piggyback ride. Apparently it's horseplay. The same security guard finds ANY reason he can to kick any kid out of the mall. His nuts deserve to fall off one day. If he even has any left. Everyone pisses me off. Once you get to know them you recognize all their flaws. And they're really hard to ignore. Not that I don't have any. But they annoy me too. Rachel's so obsessive over Mel and too dependent and never understands what I say. Maybe that's why I liked her. Because she's what I'm not. Brittany.. She's like a lot of other people with religion. Never questions it. Doesn't understand philosophy. Who does? I can't expect most people to. But I wish they did because this world would probably be a better place. I guess I like her because she makes me think differently and I'm happy around her. Lauren.. We're a lot alike. So maybe that's why we don't work out but at times we would like to.

Anyways. I don't think you can really enjoy life if you look at it in the big picture. It makes you question things too much. If you look at the simple things then you find happiness in little things temporarily as the moments pass by. So will there ever be a point in my life where I'm completely happy with everything? No because there's no such thing. The happiest day of my life might be the day I die. And that sounds depressing but it really isn't. People are only scared of death because it's the biggest thing that they can't control. But it's natural and it'll happen so why be scared of it? It's supposed to happen and maybe something good will come of it but that's no reason to look forward to it or be scared of it.

Oops I fell asleep today when I was supposed to go to Brittanys. I guess I will tomorrow then. I have to dye my hair again because the blue is fading.. I definitely have like nothing to write about anymore because I'm single now lol. I love being single though. I can do what I want and not have to worry about anyone else really. I can focus on school better. Last weekend was pretty fun. I won't even write about that here.. Next weekend I should be hanging out with Catt and Piggy. Haven't seen them in awhile. I definitely have to get to bed early so I don't fall asleep again tomorrow after school..

so school is going pretty good and all. i mean i like it. but seriously don't wanna go tomorrow. i still have homework to do. and only because i've been busy all weekend and then i took a nap right when i got home. i'll finish it in time though.

whatever

sigh. i wish i could stop thinking about you. so school has ruined my schedule. i didn't know i had one. but i hate getting up this early. i always have to take a nap after school or i'm super grumpy. i can't eat before i leave or during lunch because i'm picky about when i eat. so i usually dom't eat til i get home. and i found out i go to the bathroom at 11:23 every day. weird huh. so you haven't talked to me today. i don't know why. you're probably dating her. i have the worst mood swings that made you leave me. so i was considering going back on my medicine. but i probably shouldn't since i tried so hard to get off of it. besides it's not like i'm trying to fix things with you anyways. it's really over. ugh i have so many mosquito bites. i went out the other day to hang out with people and i was out for a few hours. so i have quite a few friends so far for only being into a week of school. so i guess that's good. i found out i like tech n9ne. pretty cool.. i'm so tired i'm gonna eat something and go to sleep.

I have nothing to write today. That I can think of. School was good. Woo? Hopefully I can do something tonight or I'll end up taking a nap and then staying up late again. Which sucks. Oh, and lockdown in school today. Big deal.. not.

yeah..

i'll take your heart, wear it on my sleeve tonight, and pray to god you don't make it to daylight

you left me low and i don't care. it was way overdue hanging dry in despair.

hurt you once, shame on me. hurt you twice, shame on you.

and i'll keep going down til you're out of view.

if you thought this meant anything at all, you're wrong.

you can't lie to me, we're so alike

i couldn't convince myself and neither could you.

i don't know what was there but it sure wasn't love

can't fill an empty space with air like what we had wasn't there

and if this is the last thing i say to you

it'll still be on my mind but you have to know when to quit

because if we're half as smart as we say we would've just walked away

the second time around and if this is the last thing you hear

i just want it to be i'll miss you but i can't stick around here.

Great so i missed the bus home today. But other than that i guess it was okay. I'm sitting outfront of the school right now waiting for a ride.

don't waste your time on me you're already the voice inside my head

i miss you, i miss you.

couldn't sleep last night so i was up til five am. finally fell asleep then woke up ten minutes before the bus got here. i made it to the bus stop in time surprisingly. i left first period though because i didn't feel good. and i've been sleeping since i got home. so i just woke up and it's about 1:40pm.. one man drinking games by mayday parade has to be one of the most depressing songs ever. and no matter what it never gets old. the very end reminds me of you especially. why i don't know. i'm going back to sleep.

strattera here i come.

i hate how i'm so hyper my mom doesn't even wanna be around me. i'm just bored. even when i'm occupied.

the silence will set her free

I'm 50% sure I'm going insane and 50% sure I'm already insane. I flip out on the drop of a dime. Is that the right phrase? Maybe it's a hat.. I was so depressed this morning and all of a sudden nobody could get me to shut up. Now I'm 99% sure I've always been insane but it's only showing now because I'm only on 1/4 my normal dose of topomax. I'm determined to fix things without medicine though. Who knows what it's doing to my brain in the long run. I had the craziest dreams last night. I won't even write them on here. But I woke up at almost exactly six am and I was so wide awake right when I got up. I was panicking a little but that might have been because of the dream or I was worrying I'd be late for school. I hate schedule changes. So I went and slept with my mom and sister til I woke up at 1 pm. Greggory cuddled with me too. (: He's the most adorable thing ever. So today I drew a jester. Well I'm only done the outline and a few details. It's pretty good though. I'll probably hang it up. I just finished cleaning my room too. I didn't do a very good job but at least you can walk in it now. I only did because my mom said she would play football with me outback. But now I don't even feel like it anymore. Sorry I never replied. You were right for what you said but it hurt and I can't say I'm okay with it. I'm being such an idiot right now and I need someone whose always there for me no matter what I do. But I don't think anybody ever gets that because there's always a point where you have to draw the line. So I guess if you can wait til I can be better then it'll work. Or we should just forget everything and leave it at this.

you don't know what to think..

So.. going over Reva's tonight. Gotta wait for the laundry to get done because I'm lazy and have like no clean pairs of jeans anymore.... I'm in such a weird mood now. Probably only because I'm tired. I got up at 7 am and was so hyper. This song is really sad.. I don't know why I like it thought because I don't think I relate to it really. So.. a lot happened with in the last week.. and I don't exactly want to type about all of it or any of it. I'm just in a lazy mood.

i hope that you would do this for me.

go to hell. i really really really dislike her. it's not about this. it's about us. and i hope i don't see either of your faces anytime soon. Aug 27th, here comes my new start.

The Battle Is Between Us But The War Is Inside Me

The Battle Is Between Us But The War Is Inside Me

i'm stuck with imperfections and shattered reflections

everything i loved is a memory and i hope you don't hold this against me

i want you to see, forever is so empty

my fingertips shake with sorrys and this papers drowning in apathy

the emptiness in me could hold a million destinies and enemies

so fill me up let the war begin and blood spill

you can be the king and savior as i'm laying and praying, you can't take her

i'm pacing the hall and tracing every move you made

because for now it's enough to keep me sane

just enough stop this fighting in my head

it's pouring and i fear i may be dead

i'm drowning in red with my tears left unsaid

the emptiness in me could hold a million destinies and enemies

so fill me up let the war begin and blood spill

you can be the king and savior as i'm laying and praying, you can't take her

you can't take her

if this is a waste then hurry, get me out of this place

it could be enough to bury me six under

it's deep but i can still hear the thunder

if i can't leave i'll just lay and think of you

stitches are all i need caus i won't blink

i won't be able to miss you

I used to be love drunk but now I'm hungover.

I'm glad what happened did. Because it just puts me a step higher in my life. Things hurt but I get over them. Good things come along too. And what ends is meant to. I shouldn't hide my feelings. Shouldn't hide my thoughts. I fell in a pit but I'm glad because the climb out of it is making me stronger. Things are getting better. Right now I'm looking forward to going home, eating ramen, getting into comfy clothes and either watching a movie or playing video games. Anyways, I think I made the right decision. Maybe a little late. But atleast I did eventually.

Anthem To This Night

can you hear the sirens, they're the anthem to this night
they're the violins in this orchestra
the soundtrack to this fight

i'll hold onto your body as your soul slips away
i'll remember this night until my dying day
i got everything except the love i should be in
you're an angel but not meant for heaven
but i need a miracle from right here next to me
you're all that i need

hold up the hurt so it can't crush you underneath
if it weren't for hopes you would already be beat
i'll come home to give your shoulders a rest
but i'll be gone again as soon as you catch your breath

You Can't Fall With Your Head Constantly In The Clouds

let's take the highway to the skyline
we can sail away to the horizon
you and i can cross the line
we'll leave this place behind

you're the sun in my sunset
and i never really went for my best bet
i'm like a train without a track
and there's no turning back
you'll be in my arms tonight

take me back to those days
when the hurt went away
i never fell caus my head was in the clouds
all it took was a love like ours

chorus

i'll take one last shot that's not in the plot
caus tonight you look so hot and
i won't regret it because you won't let it end
these feelings i have for you
you won't let it end

Every time I leave you go and lock the door.

It looks like you were crying, or at least sad. This never should have even started so I wouldn't be in this position right now. Not that I regret anything. I really wish you could move on. Then you'd be happy. Sure I'd miss it but it's better off that way. It's not where I should be. I've just been in a really depressed mood lately and not much has been going right. I feel like I should be doing something but I can't. I slept until five today. Medicine withdraw has to be one of the worst things to experience. Well.. maybe. It just sucks. Maybe I should get back on it. It's not like I was a better person then. I never seem to do the right thing. But at least then I didn't care about anything. I could just sit there and be happy. I wasn't even motivated to do anything. That's pretty pathetic. I know I shouldn't go back on my medicine. It's not who I am. Maybe I'm sad for a reason. I need to figure out why and do something about it. I wanna get away and make something of my life. I wanna have my own life. Because I'm so sick of boundaries. There's always something telling me I can't do something. But why? It's not because I literally can't. It's just a mindset. I need change. I can't wait for school to start either. At least I'll have something to occupy my time. Maybe things will change.

Show me what I'm looking for

Seriously? I'm glad I said what I did because this just proves it. I still have others in my life and so do you. We shouldn't though. And won't if it ever gets to that point again. I can't stand that song either. For multiple reasons but even more so now.

So, medicine withdraw this morning. It's happened twice already and it feels horrible. Like there's an ice pack on my chest and it won't go away and none of it will go away until I take my medicine. It's messed up. Maybe I did learn a lot from starting the medicine. Maybe it did open my mind to a lot. Maybe it did help. But it's not worth it. I'm not myself. I'm a lot more motivated now that I'm almost off of it.

Revas sending me links to art schools. I'm almost completely sure that's what I want to do with my life. Art. If it's anything else then I know I'll be asking myself everyday why I'm even alive. That sounds dumb but hey a lot of people hate their job and I won't be one of them because I refuse to waste my life.

Well.. I don't even know where to start. Youth group we had a discussion. And somebody brought up the question what's your passion? It made me think. A lot of people don't know. But I know. It's art and slightly music. For once it's like I know who I am and what I'm about. I'm not going to settle for any less. I won't settle for a job I hate. I'm going to follow my dreams whatever it takes because everybody is here for something and I know why I am. I learn more and more every day. Anyways I'm done talking about that. There's not much more to say about it. I wish everything were that simple. I have nothing to say about anything else because I'm so indefinite in my decisions that everything I say would be a contradiction and everything else would be something I've said before. Oh well I just saw a video of Taylor Swift rapping with t pain. .. It was amazing.

I hate you

because you know me

even when i don't let you.

because i'm nervous around you

even though i've been around you so many times.

because you get under my skin

every time you want to.

because i feel like a completely different person

ever since you left me.

because you don't give care that i'm upset

eventually you find out and you enjoy it.

because you don't let me in

even though i shouldn't expect you to.

because it was all or nothing

everything came down to it being nothing.

i hate you.

New guitar pick design

Song, Paper Birds

Paper Birds

Paper bird fly across the sky

You're in anything but a line

It's not what you're made of

But do you feel me here too?

I shouldn't say it's love

But it's what I do

You live a sad life

Waiting for the rain to fall

And when it does you can't pick up your wings

It's not what you're made of

But it's all you'll ever be

Counting 3-2-1 as they fall to the ground

1-2-3 They fall like we do

I can't even picture so many

As we dry our feathers

They're left on the ground like a penny

Chorus

"I live for that day

We weren't meant to make it"

That's what they say

Chorus

Wait Of The World

Like a clock.. Those arms were never meant to comfort

Reminding you.. What's infinite can be measured

Our time was cut.. To a fraction of what you said

And I shatter the glass

To leave every thought in the past

Time slides across and up your back

Creating chills like pills

It tightens on your neck

Some go without a struggle

Til the room fades black

It has it's vengeance

Caus the wait of the world is on it's shoulders

Around our minds it dances

And infects without a cure

Hey, where do we run to?

Nowhere is safe

Til we go face to..

Clocks on the wall

As I'm running down the hall

It all fades to black

note: I know 'wait' used for the obviously meaning is spelled 'weight' but I did it for a purpose.

It's all a blur

Take me back to that starry night

When I could feel the air on my skin

And we were so light

In our element and nothing at all

We'll just keep on falling

Hold onto these thoughts

Because we never got so far

And the fall was so uncertain

We'll be left saying "remember when"

But there's only so much I can say with a pen

It was never so easy to get it right

When the line between is a blur

From this height we just let it fall

And it landed right on cue

Seasons are what let you plan

What about when it's all a blur?

Let these schemes run free

And just fall asleep with me

Caus we never got so far

And when it's all a blur

Can you let go?

Can you let go?

Something I'm still working on

Tell me girl

How you brought that smile down from heaven

The one that makes me high

I'm so light I can fly with the birds

They envied my shine and shot me down

But my spirit still soars high

I don't want to know

They say you're happy now

That you're with her

What is it like to be so far gone?

With your head in the clouds

And your armor on the ground

I don't want to know

You're a stranger now

And once the anger left

All I saw was us stronger

But I can't be so nostalgic

I can't help these responses are automatic

You're never coming back

However close you are

I don't want to know

Let me get this out in the air

That it's not fair now

How we're happy and gone

But I think of you

And remember how I felt so alone

Don't tell me

Please don't tell me

What it's like without me

Caus I don't want to know

I don't want to know

I'm itching and crawling

to the point where my mind is withdrawing

Don't take me back

To these securities I lack

You're gone now

You're gone now

Don't tell me what it's like

Caus I don't want to know

I don't want to know

I Can Only See With All This Hair In My Face Because I Have X-Ray Vision

You're nailing boards to the doors of your mind

Leaving all the chemicals inside

Let's think we won't ever outgrow this

But you know that we'll get past it

Rest assured the insecurities kill

Just in case you should keep them in

We won't call it a night til they die

And we're left with half the purpose we had before

Wipe the sweat down

It's your only sign of regret

Take the day slow

And let's do it again tonight

Where'd you go? Where'd you go?

If we're all left behind aren't we together?

Not really you see

They're your own worst enemy

Your lips are just a stepping stone to them

Tell me what it was like that night

Narrate a story and don't make it boring

Caus soon I'll decide it's not worth my time

When I hold onto every line and he's feeling down your spine

You're a mess to get tense

And he's just a game

But now tell me babe

Who's the shame

When you wake up in the morning

With less than what you started with

You won't know I never slept at all

The chemicals are in control

And how did I even know

Not to tell you I Love You

Before I went to sleep

Caus the guilt might have been enough to keep you

Swallow now

Follow him down

These words are getting to be too much

But you could always do something better with your mouth

Heaven is no place for angels

Breakdown

Hey now

I see it in your eyes

We're never letting go

I cannot compromise

The stars will fall from the sky

I'll catch every one

To give to you tonight

Keep them in a jar

And they'll be your light

But I swear those stars

They don't compare to your sight

Hold on to me

Your love is all I see

I know I said this a thousand times before

The truth is my head is getting sore

But I know we can't lose this fight

So just wait til tonight and..

And this is everything..

Everything

That I wanted

We're never letting go

hey, I'm crawling out of my skin.

Two days without medicine and I'm feeling good. A little grumpy haha. But I'd say I'm more productive. I've been painting, drawing, and playing guitar more. It's all fun. I'm not even taking Zoloft right now. I probably should though so it doesn't suck when I start taking it again. These past few days have opened my mind a lot. I just feel pretty different overall and it's great.

Note to self. Willpower cannot repel sunrays from skin. No matter how determined you are.

I went to six flags today with Lauren and Sherri. Batman is the best ride ever. I got burnt. But spending these past few days with Lauren has also been amazing.

Well my kitten, Greggory, got sick. We're not sure why but we did have to take him to the vets. He was puking and they gave him IVs and medicine and now I'm taking care of him. Recently he started breathing heavy and whining so I got worried but I gave him some food and he kept it down and now he seems to be fine. He's sleeping by my computer right now (: He's always by me now for some reason and it's so cute. I hope he makes it through this.

I've got a secret. It's on the tip of my tongue and the back of my lungs and I'm gonna keep it.

I change my mind. I don't care about you anymore. You're so obsessive you can't even make time for your friends. It's like nothing ever happened. She's not even that great. You're not even that great but you were always to stubborn to realize it. You will never get one more second of my time because I'm not going to waste it in such a way.

I'm sitting in the car at a stoplight and the lady in front of us just handed her chick fil a bag to a guy on the side of the road with a 'will work for' sign.

when i first started writing this i swear my intentions were well

i left your room for the very last time and i can't sleep with all these things running through my head

I don't think I like myself currently. But for significant reasons. I never know what I want. When I do I second guess myself. I never take responsibility for my actions. I get so annoyed by all flaws. I'm so out of it right now that my mind is racing and I don't know what to do. I didn't take my meds today. Well, I still need control on my own. Why don't I ever know what I want? Nothing's perfect but I want it all and I can't have it all but that wouldn't work either. I just want an easy answer that I won't get. Love was an easy answer for me. I could fight for love til I couldn't anymore. But when I start questioning love then I'll never get what I want. Right now I just can't let it go that far. Seems like I took a huge step back in my life. Did I ever have the right idea? Nothing is pure right. Right? Love can't find me. I won't let it. I can't find love. I won't let myself. Who says you can find love anyways? You don't just find it one day and all of a sudden there it is. No, I think it grows like a flower. A flower with many thorns but still beautiful. Haha this is so cheesy. I'm just ranting here. Why am I even writing about love anyways? It's silly. But then there's peace, love happiness. Well I'm all for peace and happiness but I have yet to grasp love and I don't think I quite understand it's general concept. I think I'm looking too far into this. I just want to fall and trust and be hurt and love like a used to. Maybe it was silly but I don't want to live only for myself. That's not the person I want to be. Maybe I'll make it to that point again one day but I'm hurting people around me when I'm not trusting and when I'm pushing them out. I make choices that push them away constantly. Maybe it's just because I want something to fight for. That's just how I am. But that doesn't make this okay. When will things be okay? There's no easy answer. So I just hope I'm not given up on yet because I want to know I mean as much to them as they mean to me.

Trust In Fear

I wanted to quit my meds for awhile but the thing that actually made me start tapering off was that one sentence you said to me that night. I didn't realize how much of an effect you have on me.

so come home.

there's never an ounce that i breathe without thinking about who i could have been if you didn't leave.

I guess it's pretty easy to do the right thing when you know what that is but what makes a person good or bad? There's no fine line. Who are we to judge? When you start questioning what the right way to do things is then you have a problem. There doesn't seem to be a right way. There will always be some problem. There's not one simple right answer to every problem that you have to choose and then everything is fine until the next problem. Everythings different shades of grey. That's why I refuse to live under laws and rules and commandments. What's right and wrong? I can't say. Can anybody say? I don't exactly think so. Is killing wrong? Most people would automatically say yes. What if it's in self defense? Some people would still think it's wrong. Most would kill in self defense though. Is it so wrong then? Who knows. Animals kill in self defense. But don't humans believe they're higher than animals? Animals don't go to heaven according to some religions. I believe they do though. So they should be treated equally. So why shouldn'twe kill in self defense? That leads to hey, why don't we do everything like animals? They know life better than us. I know my problem is always asking 'why'. I don't think animals do that. Do they ask why they're alive, why they're here, why they are what they are, why the grass is green(or whatever it is to them)? Well no. They just live. So why do we(there I go again)? Is it a curse or a blessing? It gave us all we have but (spider man quote)"with great power comes great responsibility". I don't think humans have the responsibility necessary for the power to ask why. And I ask why a hell of a lot. I wonder why I ask it a lot more than others. There I go again. I guess I'm just a curious person. Just like philosophers. I'm not saying I'm as smart as they were though. Then again I'm not saying they were that smart at all. They could have been going in all the wrong direction. Some of their books just make no sense to me. Or maybe it's something most people will never understand. That's why I believe the simple way is the best way to live. You're happy and that's all there is to it. Who could ask for more? Everybody is looking for complicated answers to happiness but i think it's simplicity and some people eventually realize that.

I won't be the one to keep you from having all you wanted

You can't say I'm the reason you're changing with the seasons. Just go out with her already. Another night is the same old story. You already fucked. So bottle it up and keep it locked inside. Tell yourself to forget tonight. It happened and don't pretend you didn't want it to because I know you did. I don't know how I could ever trust you. I promise you it will be okay. But this won't go away. I don't want anything to do with this anymore. I'm sick of caring. I don't want this.

I could see it as you turned to stone

So I'm losing people. I've lost people. I'm absolutely sure I'm going nowhere with my life at the moment except passing time. I need to start thinking more about my decisions before I make them. I feel like I'm waiting for something to happen but I'm really not. I'm just passing the time waiting to feel happy again. I don't know how I ever not felt like this. So maybe I should think of something fast. I hope this isn't because I'm getting off my meds. Then I really would be pathetic. I'll keep trying and see how it goes.

I never wanted to hear

We are the only ones we are running from. Let me out. I can't believe you people. You set yourselves up for failure, self-hatred. This is just a time bomb. Are we gonna realize? I don't even know but I have to do something before I go insane. I hope when I die it'll be much better than this place. I hope it's much more peaceful. If it is why are we even here? I don't know but I'm not asking because that leads to wanting a lot more than we should from life. I just don't want to be controlled. Age laws. Seriously? When did ANYBODY ever tell you you could control another person? The government is the worst failure. The more we're tied down the more we struggle. I want to tear this world apart from the very roots. I don't care what it takes. Pain. Death. People need to open their eyes. This world isn't here just for them to kill. Enjoy it. Pain and death is just another part of life. Who says it's bad? We're acting like it's the spawn of the devil here. You grow from pain. Death is natural. We jsut fear it because of our insecurities. We try to control everything. We can't do that. Plans, plans, plans. Why don't they ever work out? Why can't everything be perfect? Things would be perfect if we just let it take it's course and not try to plan anything. Humans have great minds. We'll enjoy the little things in life. We can do things that nothing else has done before on Earth. What makes you think you can treat animals like they're so below us though? I'm not saying give them a frappacino and Gucci bags but what makes you think they have no feelings? Why don't they have a soul too? If you can feel the soul in yourself well I can feel the soul in them too. We use our minds for destruction. That's the last thing I want to do.

It's not so bad

Atleast not as bad as I thought. I stayed up until six am last night on the phone with Brittany because we were seeing who could stay up the longest out of me, Lindsey, Brittany and Andrew. Lindsey and Andrew definitely fell asleep before us then I fell asleep at six so Brittany definitely did. But anyways I looked at the time and it was four am and I was like wow I didn't take my meds. Usually I feel like crap by then if I don't. So I took Zoloft but not Topomax. I decided I wasn't gonna take it that night and I didn't. I woke up about an hour ago around eleven and felt like crap. So I took it which would be my morning dose and I was feeling better after about half an hour when it started to work. So I'll try to make it through this night without it and keep going. Then I would have cut my dose in half then when I'm used to it I can do it again and eventually get off. Things are looking up. And I have to say I'm feeling pretty good right now.

It's not that I keep hanging on, I'm never letting go.

I never thought I'd be over you this soon. I thought I was before but now I don't even have to think about it because it's not even on my mind. I'll think about it and all the memories will be dry. I see you for what you are and us for all our mistakes just like all my other past relationships. Thank you for teaching me some of the most important lessons of my life and making me the way I am now. I'm not perfect. I'm probably not even that great but I'm learning so I'm getting better whether it's obvious or not.

If the worlds at large why should I remain

We all want something to do with our lives whether we admit it or not or realize it or not. We just don't know what it is because there's no one to tell us and no obvious answer. Hey, for some there may be. There's religion and the things we've been raised our entire lives to do like chores and get an education then have a family. But seriously people? Any kid nowadays with common sense can tell religion seems like just something for people to conform. The morals aspect is fantastic, I'll say, but we all have that to realize on our own and through our own ways. It has to get to us. We can't get to it. You can be brought up to believe in life your job is to have a family and such. That's great, a structure. What about now? This society is messed up. Tell me who is normal now. Take a look behind every family's doors and count how many family's are like that anymore. The majority, the very vast majority, aren't. We're on our own from birth now. We're taught how to live but have know idea what to do with the life we have. We're set up for failure. We have no structure, not that we need it. It just leads to routine. Routine leads to same mistakes. Let's give our lives purpose. The purpose of life? To give it purpose, I say. An artist is what I'll be and any opporunity I'll take. I can't say what's after death. I can't say the reason we were put here. But I can give it a reason because as long as I'm alive it can have any reason or meaning I want because I'm just a human and nothing is certain. The world is put here not for just us but for itself and everything else.

Oh mercy me, God bless catastrophe.

For god's sake people, what is it going to take to open your eyes? How much does the world have to fall apart? How much does it have to affect you before you start to care? How long do we have to wait before you actually do something? Anybody can make a difference and if everybody chose to then the whole world would change and be a better place. Don't say it doesn't matter because it really does. Don't open your eyes and let them slowly be closed again. The world has too much to offer.
'So drive yourself insane tonight. It's not that far away.'

It's time I wrote about something different.

Instead of about love and how much of a dick I am when it comes to relationships. I didn't think I could feel this horrible from just falling behind one night on my meds. It really does open your mind when you're not surrounded in a fog of false chemical emotions. I woke up at four in the morning and I was dizzy and my head was numb so I took it. I don't even feel like writing now because I ripped off my space bar and this is hard to type. I'm done.

I was never good at goodbye

Can I swallow this bottle whole? So this brain in my head can forget your face. Can I swallow this bottle whole caus I'd rather be dead than make more mistakes. Today I couldn't stay awake. Feels like I'm drowning in this firewater lake. I won't be sleeping much tonight.

Why don't I ever know what I'm doing? I do one thing and something smacks me in the face. I could do what I want but I don't know exactly what I want even if I have an idea and just having an idea isn't enough because when you hurt someone it never ends too great. I can't shake this little feeling I'll never get anything right. I want things to be simple. I can't be alone though. Maybe that's why I'm making such a big deal out of this. What's the problem here? I don't know. But my stomachs growling. Say I don't mind you under my skin. I'll let the bad parts in, the bad parts in. You're what I want. But I don't know if I have you. You always leave. And it's the worst combination because I always leave too. But I have a feeling we can fix that. I wish this wasn't so complicated. It usually isn't to me. But other people confuse words and have mixed feelings and get hurt and there's mixed signals and it's all a mess. You're never going to feel as full as you felt. How many chances am I going to get? How long are you going to keep pushing me away? I just want this to end already. I need it to because I'm not a liar. I just have a tendency for manipulation in these situations and I don't want to. So please stop making me. But don't make me be alone. I hope no one reads this blog. So I don't know why I'm posting it. I just can't say no.

I don't know how to start this.

I don't know where I am. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know how my choices now are going to affect me in the future. And I don't know what's going to happen. I can't tell if I just screwed up horribly or if this is just a stepping stone in my life. I have a terrible sense of direction. The one thing I know is that I love you. You're not the only one I've loved and you won't be the last but I care about you as much as my messed up mind will let me. I haven't made the right choices and if I tried to explain why I couldn't because it's just silly. I probably am crazy. I atleast know I'm a little different. I'm not because I did what I did. That's not uncommon. But I'm just an emotionally messed up person in general and I'm not quite sure why because everything in my life is how it feels it should be. Well, that's because I'm alive. So maybe I do know why. I could point out the specific reasons and explain to you why they're reasons but not personally understand why they're reasons until I get past detachment. Thinking of all the memories and knowing there won't be anymore hurts but I hope you find someone that makes you happy and treats you right. Even if nobody reads this I'm content because I feel there's been some personal closure just getting it off my mind. I'm sorry I can't text you back right now but I don't know what to say and it just plain hurts.

I can't be a perfect person for anyone but myself.

I made these choices for no one but myself. I'm sorry that they hurt you. I'm all wrong for you and I know it. I'll always love you. No matter what though I'll always be here for you. Hey mother, hey hey mother, why do you cry? Tell me what the birds have said about my father. Hey father, hey hey father, what do you know? "lovers on the carousel won't ride forever" I really should get up and take a shower and stuff but I just don't feel like it. I just wanna sleep all day but I could barely sleep at all last night. I don't even know why. I don't know what to do to take my mind off things because I have no motivation to do anything. I'll just stop writing about it because it's making it worse and this is pathetic. I'll take a shower and see if my grandmom will pick me up or something.

quote

"true friends stab in the front"

"my heart hanging by a vein is still more than you can break"

Mozart Season

I really don't know why

but this place can be so cozy it feels like standing in a field on a warm summer night with fireflies as the only lights to see by. And other times I can be sitting here and feel like there's a firecracker in my head a bomb in my heart and it's about to explode and I have to get out before it destroys everything. This probably goes along with my theory 'everything in life is a contradiction' which drives me insane. Because this honestly does drive me insane at times. I don't know if I want to move anymore. But that will be a few years off anyways.

"If you always knew the truth then the world would spin around you."

We need to be broken down in the harshest ways to see the truth and we need to hit rock bottom and know all our flaws and accept them before we can reach our full potential. Life was never tough on me and if it was I never felt it, but always when I have an option to take the easy way out I don't. It's not even tempting to. It's very tempting not to. It's made me who I am and I'll keep growing because of it. One thing I can't stand is when other people aren't like that. Most aren't. Helpless people annoy me the most. The best thing you can do for a person is break them down so hard they have to pick themselves up which makes them a much better person. The next best thing you can do is comfort them which I guess can help them temporarily if they let it. Most people would reject this idea as insane because why would we make ourselves worse purposely? It's not like we're going to kill ourselves just to find freedom. It's like the pain you feel during exercise then the muscle you build afterwards except it's emotional. The world is living in a sea of lies created by us for comfort and we don't even realize most of it. We need to break that habit by breaking ourselves down and realizing there's a lot more to life.

Redefinition of sophomore slump.

I can't wait for the summer to be over. I just found a penny tails side up. I can't understand what I'm doing wrong. I want things to be okay again. I'm not even sure they were okay but it felt like it. I want to know what I want and do it. For some reason I don't anymore. For some reason I'm thinking of the consequences and of others. Not thinking of others is probably what got me in this mess. Or it could've been what kept me out of it. I don't know where I went wrong. I'm tearing my life down and once there's only the basics left I think I'll be able to start building it back up. But why did I have to lose them? Was it worth it or were they bad for me or was I really that bad for them anyways?

I've got friends in all the right places. I know what they want and I know they don't want me to stay.

You won't know.

It makes me wonder if there was anything I could've done in the past to change the outcome or was this all a plan and this is how it's supposed to be? Either way I'm not quite content with because if I could change it then I just might. Everybody would, right? There's atleast one thing in everybody's life that they can't help but be reminded of and wonder about and usually regret if they haven't accepted the outcome. If this is how it's supposed to be then life is playing a pretty twisted joke on all of us. It's a tease. We can fight and fall or we can accept it and fall even deeper. This is a pretty depressing blog. I'll leave it at that.

I'm starting over.

I'm making my own karma and taking my life in my own hands. It's not as fantastic as it sounds. I'm pausing between every thought, twiddling an incense stick on my desk as my kittens pounce on my feet. They're vicious for being only five weeks old because I'm cringing everytime they claw at me. To get back on subject, I'm starting to be honest with myself and moreso honest with everyone else. I thought we could wait for the fireworks. I thought we could wait for the snow to wash over Georgia and kill the hurt. I told Brittany the truth. She deserves it. She doesn't deserve what I did to her though. I wish I could be a perfect person for her. There's no such thing but it'd be nice in this situation. There's always a catch when you think you've found something. I never should've done what I did. It was another part of me that took over. It was the part I was trying to get rid of. I realized awhile ago I had to change for the better and I thought I did but some things never change. Maybe it only went into submission or I just got better at lying to myself. Thanks to a friend I realized I'm damn good at manipulation. I just need one person I'm not like that with. I can't even be honest with myself anymore. The reason I assume that is because when I ask myself if I'm being honest with myself I can't answer it. There isn't just a long pause. There's no answer. Anyways, I decided to tell Brittany the day after Rachel told me she wasn't allowed to talk to me anymore by ruling of her girlfriend. She had been ignoring me for the past 2 and a half days which had me worried. I thought I could trust her but I'm done with these back and forth games. It's like whiplash of the ex-girlfriends. She's out of my life for good. Now Lauren has a crush on her and that's fantastic. I just don't even care about Rachel. I'm just sick of losing things to her. No matter how much she's out of my life she's still in it. So then I figured at this point since I "lost" Rachel and I feel like I'm losing Lauren any normal manipulating person would hold onto their girlfriend for dear life. At any cost. Well, that would be lying to her and having a false relationship with her and in that case it wouldn't mean very much. So, I decided to do the opposite and tell her I cheated. It felt good to be honest but I've been nervous ever since I told her because I'm still not sure if she wants to stay with me. If she does still then I want her to be happy and I'm worried she won't be and if she's not then I'm not sure what to do then. Thinking about being without right now just makes things seem so hard to deal with. I wouldn't want to be with anybody else right now. On another subject, I'm going to trying weaning myself off Topomax slowly. I'll start by only taking 50mg in the morning instead of 50mg in the morning and at night. Hopefully I won't have to deal with withdrawal since I'll be sleeping like anxiety. Although, whenever I forget to take Topomax at night I have nightmares which is one of the withdrawal symtoms. I can handle that since I don't have to function like I do during the day. Plus, I think this would be a good time to experiment since my nightmares when I'm off usually come true in the next day or two. Then in about two weeks I'll start cutting the tablets into halves and then stop completely. I think this will be a good adjustment and I should be able to function just fine on Zoloft alone. I don't need to be on three medications at the same time since they're putting me on a stimulant during school days after summer ends. That reminds me, my mom is meeting a lady who is giving her a rabbit because she can't take them to her new apartment. So we'll have two bunnies now. Except that's not the point. The lady goes to MICA which is where I'm considering applying for.

I'll leave when the wind blows.

I just hate and love at the same time when I find a song that really gets to me. That tears me apart with the lyrics and opens my eyes. It's the very reminder I need but the one I'm not sure I wanted. Wow, you are being so gay. Music is like drawing and painting. Just not my kind. I can appreciate it. I think everyone can to some degree. I just can't make it. It'd be great if I could. But there's probably reasons why I can't. Take me back to your bed. I love you so much that it hurts my head. I found this song randomly on somebodys Myspace profile I added a long time ago. I don't even talk to them but I can't stop listening to it. And I'm adding tons of songs to my iPod. Nights when I stayed up late all I do is wait and wait. You're never coming home to me. That's the hardest thing to see. I got to breathe. You can't take that from me. I can finally say we're through. Well I have to let all this teenage emotion out somehow right? I like to imagine I have no feelings anymore. I'm pretty accurate. I hardly cry anymore. I hardly flip out on people anymore. What's my problem? Well my problem is that I don't have a problem.. We ran away. What are we running from? I wish it were possible to have a "true friend" nowadays. See, there's a difference between "true friends" and "best friends". True friends are pretty elemtary school. I don't think they exist anymore. The kind that will never leave you for a pretty girl. Where drugs never get in the way of your friendship. Where you don't have nasty secrets to spread about the other and you're never sure whether you can trust one another. The kind that won't stray when they find their own interests and you find yours. We never knew about those things. Best friends now are just ones who.. well.. you have a good time with. By any means. You forgive them for whatever they do. And if you don't they just aren't your friend anymore. You don't have to trust them either since nobody ever trusts anybody these days. We're all grown ups here, right? Not even close. Take me back to those good old days. Take everybody back.

Some Secrets Were Meant To Be Told.

I did it again. What I told myself I wouldn't do again. And twice. It was something I was over. But obviously not. Maybe it's become a fact since I said it so much. I don't have feelings. I lost them that day. I don't know what happened but I know something changed me. Nikki was right. I'm damn good at manipulation. Why don't I realize it? I even make myself believe. But I don't think I want to because you can only lie so long. Lies don't make you happy. I always take the hard way out. Tell me the hard way and I'll choose it. Why? Because I don't want to have to wonder what would have happened if I did do it. I don't have to wonder because I always take the hard way. When will I just go easy? When will I just say no? I think that's up to me. But I'm not quite ready to change because I need excitement. I don't care what the cost is. I know when to stop.. occasionally. I still have a little of the 'old me' left. I think the key is balance but I'm just not quite ready for that because I'm not an adult yet and I don't have those responsibilities. I'll learn them as time comes though. But these things I brought on myself. Well I've got it quite under control. Except I'm not content with where I am. It's just who I am right now.

Withdrawal

I've decided I want to get off Topomax. It's addictive. I forgot to take it this morning and I felt horrible. About thirty minutes ago I took it and I'm finally feeling better. If I'm going to feel okay with life I'm going to do it on my own. I'll keep taking Zoloft as long as I need it. But Topomax is out of the question. I felt like I was tripping the first few weeks I was put on it. You know there's something wrong then. Sure, it was fun. But now it's just a hassle. It's fogging up my perception. Maybe I'll be a different person. I know I'll act differently. But that's okay because it's better than being dependant on a drug for the rest of my life. Just because it's legal doesn't mean it should be alright. I don't feel alright. I can make it on my own without shortcut chemicals.