I was never good at goodbye

Can I swallow this bottle whole? So this brain in my head can forget your face. Can I swallow this bottle whole caus I'd rather be dead than make more mistakes. Today I couldn't stay awake. Feels like I'm drowning in this firewater lake. I won't be sleeping much tonight.

Why don't I ever know what I'm doing? I do one thing and something smacks me in the face. I could do what I want but I don't know exactly what I want even if I have an idea and just having an idea isn't enough because when you hurt someone it never ends too great. I can't shake this little feeling I'll never get anything right. I want things to be simple. I can't be alone though. Maybe that's why I'm making such a big deal out of this. What's the problem here? I don't know. But my stomachs growling. Say I don't mind you under my skin. I'll let the bad parts in, the bad parts in. You're what I want. But I don't know if I have you. You always leave. And it's the worst combination because I always leave too. But I have a feeling we can fix that. I wish this wasn't so complicated. It usually isn't to me. But other people confuse words and have mixed feelings and get hurt and there's mixed signals and it's all a mess. You're never going to feel as full as you felt. How many chances am I going to get? How long are you going to keep pushing me away? I just want this to end already. I need it to because I'm not a liar. I just have a tendency for manipulation in these situations and I don't want to. So please stop making me. But don't make me be alone. I hope no one reads this blog. So I don't know why I'm posting it. I just can't say no.