I'm starting over.

I'm making my own karma and taking my life in my own hands. It's not as fantastic as it sounds. I'm pausing between every thought, twiddling an incense stick on my desk as my kittens pounce on my feet. They're vicious for being only five weeks old because I'm cringing everytime they claw at me. To get back on subject, I'm starting to be honest with myself and moreso honest with everyone else. I thought we could wait for the fireworks. I thought we could wait for the snow to wash over Georgia and kill the hurt. I told Brittany the truth. She deserves it. She doesn't deserve what I did to her though. I wish I could be a perfect person for her. There's no such thing but it'd be nice in this situation. There's always a catch when you think you've found something. I never should've done what I did. It was another part of me that took over. It was the part I was trying to get rid of. I realized awhile ago I had to change for the better and I thought I did but some things never change. Maybe it only went into submission or I just got better at lying to myself. Thanks to a friend I realized I'm damn good at manipulation. I just need one person I'm not like that with. I can't even be honest with myself anymore. The reason I assume that is because when I ask myself if I'm being honest with myself I can't answer it. There isn't just a long pause. There's no answer. Anyways, I decided to tell Brittany the day after Rachel told me she wasn't allowed to talk to me anymore by ruling of her girlfriend. She had been ignoring me for the past 2 and a half days which had me worried. I thought I could trust her but I'm done with these back and forth games. It's like whiplash of the ex-girlfriends. She's out of my life for good. Now Lauren has a crush on her and that's fantastic. I just don't even care about Rachel. I'm just sick of losing things to her. No matter how much she's out of my life she's still in it. So then I figured at this point since I "lost" Rachel and I feel like I'm losing Lauren any normal manipulating person would hold onto their girlfriend for dear life. At any cost. Well, that would be lying to her and having a false relationship with her and in that case it wouldn't mean very much. So, I decided to do the opposite and tell her I cheated. It felt good to be honest but I've been nervous ever since I told her because I'm still not sure if she wants to stay with me. If she does still then I want her to be happy and I'm worried she won't be and if she's not then I'm not sure what to do then. Thinking about being without right now just makes things seem so hard to deal with. I wouldn't want to be with anybody else right now. On another subject, I'm going to trying weaning myself off Topomax slowly. I'll start by only taking 50mg in the morning instead of 50mg in the morning and at night. Hopefully I won't have to deal with withdrawal since I'll be sleeping like anxiety. Although, whenever I forget to take Topomax at night I have nightmares which is one of the withdrawal symtoms. I can handle that since I don't have to function like I do during the day. Plus, I think this would be a good time to experiment since my nightmares when I'm off usually come true in the next day or two. Then in about two weeks I'll start cutting the tablets into halves and then stop completely. I think this will be a good adjustment and I should be able to function just fine on Zoloft alone. I don't need to be on three medications at the same time since they're putting me on a stimulant during school days after summer ends. That reminds me, my mom is meeting a lady who is giving her a rabbit because she can't take them to her new apartment. So we'll have two bunnies now. Except that's not the point. The lady goes to MICA which is where I'm considering applying for.