It's time I wrote about something different.

Instead of about love and how much of a dick I am when it comes to relationships. I didn't think I could feel this horrible from just falling behind one night on my meds. It really does open your mind when you're not surrounded in a fog of false chemical emotions. I woke up at four in the morning and I was dizzy and my head was numb so I took it. I don't even feel like writing now because I ripped off my space bar and this is hard to type. I'm done.

I was never good at goodbye

Can I swallow this bottle whole? So this brain in my head can forget your face. Can I swallow this bottle whole caus I'd rather be dead than make more mistakes. Today I couldn't stay awake. Feels like I'm drowning in this firewater lake. I won't be sleeping much tonight.

Why don't I ever know what I'm doing? I do one thing and something smacks me in the face. I could do what I want but I don't know exactly what I want even if I have an idea and just having an idea isn't enough because when you hurt someone it never ends too great. I can't shake this little feeling I'll never get anything right. I want things to be simple. I can't be alone though. Maybe that's why I'm making such a big deal out of this. What's the problem here? I don't know. But my stomachs growling. Say I don't mind you under my skin. I'll let the bad parts in, the bad parts in. You're what I want. But I don't know if I have you. You always leave. And it's the worst combination because I always leave too. But I have a feeling we can fix that. I wish this wasn't so complicated. It usually isn't to me. But other people confuse words and have mixed feelings and get hurt and there's mixed signals and it's all a mess. You're never going to feel as full as you felt. How many chances am I going to get? How long are you going to keep pushing me away? I just want this to end already. I need it to because I'm not a liar. I just have a tendency for manipulation in these situations and I don't want to. So please stop making me. But don't make me be alone. I hope no one reads this blog. So I don't know why I'm posting it. I just can't say no.

I don't know how to start this.

I don't know where I am. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know how my choices now are going to affect me in the future. And I don't know what's going to happen. I can't tell if I just screwed up horribly or if this is just a stepping stone in my life. I have a terrible sense of direction. The one thing I know is that I love you. You're not the only one I've loved and you won't be the last but I care about you as much as my messed up mind will let me. I haven't made the right choices and if I tried to explain why I couldn't because it's just silly. I probably am crazy. I atleast know I'm a little different. I'm not because I did what I did. That's not uncommon. But I'm just an emotionally messed up person in general and I'm not quite sure why because everything in my life is how it feels it should be. Well, that's because I'm alive. So maybe I do know why. I could point out the specific reasons and explain to you why they're reasons but not personally understand why they're reasons until I get past detachment. Thinking of all the memories and knowing there won't be anymore hurts but I hope you find someone that makes you happy and treats you right. Even if nobody reads this I'm content because I feel there's been some personal closure just getting it off my mind. I'm sorry I can't text you back right now but I don't know what to say and it just plain hurts.

I can't be a perfect person for anyone but myself.

I made these choices for no one but myself. I'm sorry that they hurt you. I'm all wrong for you and I know it. I'll always love you. No matter what though I'll always be here for you. Hey mother, hey hey mother, why do you cry? Tell me what the birds have said about my father. Hey father, hey hey father, what do you know? "lovers on the carousel won't ride forever" I really should get up and take a shower and stuff but I just don't feel like it. I just wanna sleep all day but I could barely sleep at all last night. I don't even know why. I don't know what to do to take my mind off things because I have no motivation to do anything. I'll just stop writing about it because it's making it worse and this is pathetic. I'll take a shower and see if my grandmom will pick me up or something.

quote

"true friends stab in the front"

"my heart hanging by a vein is still more than you can break"

Mozart Season

I really don't know why

but this place can be so cozy it feels like standing in a field on a warm summer night with fireflies as the only lights to see by. And other times I can be sitting here and feel like there's a firecracker in my head a bomb in my heart and it's about to explode and I have to get out before it destroys everything. This probably goes along with my theory 'everything in life is a contradiction' which drives me insane. Because this honestly does drive me insane at times. I don't know if I want to move anymore. But that will be a few years off anyways.

"If you always knew the truth then the world would spin around you."

We need to be broken down in the harshest ways to see the truth and we need to hit rock bottom and know all our flaws and accept them before we can reach our full potential. Life was never tough on me and if it was I never felt it, but always when I have an option to take the easy way out I don't. It's not even tempting to. It's very tempting not to. It's made me who I am and I'll keep growing because of it. One thing I can't stand is when other people aren't like that. Most aren't. Helpless people annoy me the most. The best thing you can do for a person is break them down so hard they have to pick themselves up which makes them a much better person. The next best thing you can do is comfort them which I guess can help them temporarily if they let it. Most people would reject this idea as insane because why would we make ourselves worse purposely? It's not like we're going to kill ourselves just to find freedom. It's like the pain you feel during exercise then the muscle you build afterwards except it's emotional. The world is living in a sea of lies created by us for comfort and we don't even realize most of it. We need to break that habit by breaking ourselves down and realizing there's a lot more to life.

Redefinition of sophomore slump.

I can't wait for the summer to be over. I just found a penny tails side up. I can't understand what I'm doing wrong. I want things to be okay again. I'm not even sure they were okay but it felt like it. I want to know what I want and do it. For some reason I don't anymore. For some reason I'm thinking of the consequences and of others. Not thinking of others is probably what got me in this mess. Or it could've been what kept me out of it. I don't know where I went wrong. I'm tearing my life down and once there's only the basics left I think I'll be able to start building it back up. But why did I have to lose them? Was it worth it or were they bad for me or was I really that bad for them anyways?

I've got friends in all the right places. I know what they want and I know they don't want me to stay.

You won't know.

It makes me wonder if there was anything I could've done in the past to change the outcome or was this all a plan and this is how it's supposed to be? Either way I'm not quite content with because if I could change it then I just might. Everybody would, right? There's atleast one thing in everybody's life that they can't help but be reminded of and wonder about and usually regret if they haven't accepted the outcome. If this is how it's supposed to be then life is playing a pretty twisted joke on all of us. It's a tease. We can fight and fall or we can accept it and fall even deeper. This is a pretty depressing blog. I'll leave it at that.

I'm starting over.

I'm making my own karma and taking my life in my own hands. It's not as fantastic as it sounds. I'm pausing between every thought, twiddling an incense stick on my desk as my kittens pounce on my feet. They're vicious for being only five weeks old because I'm cringing everytime they claw at me. To get back on subject, I'm starting to be honest with myself and moreso honest with everyone else. I thought we could wait for the fireworks. I thought we could wait for the snow to wash over Georgia and kill the hurt. I told Brittany the truth. She deserves it. She doesn't deserve what I did to her though. I wish I could be a perfect person for her. There's no such thing but it'd be nice in this situation. There's always a catch when you think you've found something. I never should've done what I did. It was another part of me that took over. It was the part I was trying to get rid of. I realized awhile ago I had to change for the better and I thought I did but some things never change. Maybe it only went into submission or I just got better at lying to myself. Thanks to a friend I realized I'm damn good at manipulation. I just need one person I'm not like that with. I can't even be honest with myself anymore. The reason I assume that is because when I ask myself if I'm being honest with myself I can't answer it. There isn't just a long pause. There's no answer. Anyways, I decided to tell Brittany the day after Rachel told me she wasn't allowed to talk to me anymore by ruling of her girlfriend. She had been ignoring me for the past 2 and a half days which had me worried. I thought I could trust her but I'm done with these back and forth games. It's like whiplash of the ex-girlfriends. She's out of my life for good. Now Lauren has a crush on her and that's fantastic. I just don't even care about Rachel. I'm just sick of losing things to her. No matter how much she's out of my life she's still in it. So then I figured at this point since I "lost" Rachel and I feel like I'm losing Lauren any normal manipulating person would hold onto their girlfriend for dear life. At any cost. Well, that would be lying to her and having a false relationship with her and in that case it wouldn't mean very much. So, I decided to do the opposite and tell her I cheated. It felt good to be honest but I've been nervous ever since I told her because I'm still not sure if she wants to stay with me. If she does still then I want her to be happy and I'm worried she won't be and if she's not then I'm not sure what to do then. Thinking about being without right now just makes things seem so hard to deal with. I wouldn't want to be with anybody else right now. On another subject, I'm going to trying weaning myself off Topomax slowly. I'll start by only taking 50mg in the morning instead of 50mg in the morning and at night. Hopefully I won't have to deal with withdrawal since I'll be sleeping like anxiety. Although, whenever I forget to take Topomax at night I have nightmares which is one of the withdrawal symtoms. I can handle that since I don't have to function like I do during the day. Plus, I think this would be a good time to experiment since my nightmares when I'm off usually come true in the next day or two. Then in about two weeks I'll start cutting the tablets into halves and then stop completely. I think this will be a good adjustment and I should be able to function just fine on Zoloft alone. I don't need to be on three medications at the same time since they're putting me on a stimulant during school days after summer ends. That reminds me, my mom is meeting a lady who is giving her a rabbit because she can't take them to her new apartment. So we'll have two bunnies now. Except that's not the point. The lady goes to MICA which is where I'm considering applying for.

I'll leave when the wind blows.

I just hate and love at the same time when I find a song that really gets to me. That tears me apart with the lyrics and opens my eyes. It's the very reminder I need but the one I'm not sure I wanted. Wow, you are being so gay. Music is like drawing and painting. Just not my kind. I can appreciate it. I think everyone can to some degree. I just can't make it. It'd be great if I could. But there's probably reasons why I can't. Take me back to your bed. I love you so much that it hurts my head. I found this song randomly on somebodys Myspace profile I added a long time ago. I don't even talk to them but I can't stop listening to it. And I'm adding tons of songs to my iPod. Nights when I stayed up late all I do is wait and wait. You're never coming home to me. That's the hardest thing to see. I got to breathe. You can't take that from me. I can finally say we're through. Well I have to let all this teenage emotion out somehow right? I like to imagine I have no feelings anymore. I'm pretty accurate. I hardly cry anymore. I hardly flip out on people anymore. What's my problem? Well my problem is that I don't have a problem.. We ran away. What are we running from? I wish it were possible to have a "true friend" nowadays. See, there's a difference between "true friends" and "best friends". True friends are pretty elemtary school. I don't think they exist anymore. The kind that will never leave you for a pretty girl. Where drugs never get in the way of your friendship. Where you don't have nasty secrets to spread about the other and you're never sure whether you can trust one another. The kind that won't stray when they find their own interests and you find yours. We never knew about those things. Best friends now are just ones who.. well.. you have a good time with. By any means. You forgive them for whatever they do. And if you don't they just aren't your friend anymore. You don't have to trust them either since nobody ever trusts anybody these days. We're all grown ups here, right? Not even close. Take me back to those good old days. Take everybody back.

Some Secrets Were Meant To Be Told.

I did it again. What I told myself I wouldn't do again. And twice. It was something I was over. But obviously not. Maybe it's become a fact since I said it so much. I don't have feelings. I lost them that day. I don't know what happened but I know something changed me. Nikki was right. I'm damn good at manipulation. Why don't I realize it? I even make myself believe. But I don't think I want to because you can only lie so long. Lies don't make you happy. I always take the hard way out. Tell me the hard way and I'll choose it. Why? Because I don't want to have to wonder what would have happened if I did do it. I don't have to wonder because I always take the hard way. When will I just go easy? When will I just say no? I think that's up to me. But I'm not quite ready to change because I need excitement. I don't care what the cost is. I know when to stop.. occasionally. I still have a little of the 'old me' left. I think the key is balance but I'm just not quite ready for that because I'm not an adult yet and I don't have those responsibilities. I'll learn them as time comes though. But these things I brought on myself. Well I've got it quite under control. Except I'm not content with where I am. It's just who I am right now.

Withdrawal

I've decided I want to get off Topomax. It's addictive. I forgot to take it this morning and I felt horrible. About thirty minutes ago I took it and I'm finally feeling better. If I'm going to feel okay with life I'm going to do it on my own. I'll keep taking Zoloft as long as I need it. But Topomax is out of the question. I felt like I was tripping the first few weeks I was put on it. You know there's something wrong then. Sure, it was fun. But now it's just a hassle. It's fogging up my perception. Maybe I'll be a different person. I know I'll act differently. But that's okay because it's better than being dependant on a drug for the rest of my life. Just because it's legal doesn't mean it should be alright. I don't feel alright. I can make it on my own without shortcut chemicals.

So cute.. It's bella.

ADHD

So I finished the test. Boring as can be. The comprehension part was inconclusive as I expected. A waste of over an hour but I had fun playing with blocks and looking at pictures. The computer test.. pure torture. I think it was to mock me. I had to sit for twenty minutes and click the mouse every time I heard the number one or saw it. The number two would pop up or they would say it also but you can't click the mouse then. Complete failure. The results were I have an attention problem and mild hyperactivity problem. I don't know how they came to the hyperactivity conclusion. Maybe it was the audio part. Or maybe they counted how many times I tapped my foot or fidgeted in the chair. If they did that though the results surely would have been to get this kid on Ritilan immediately. I don't want any medication though. It's fogging up my brain. Who am I anymore? A shortcut of chemicals. People want me to be this so this is who I am. People want me to sit still so here's a pill for it. My body refuses to sit still and my brain refuses to slow down and I'm just alright with that. It let's me do what I want still. It helps my creativity also. Talk about brainwashing. I still need to get off the medicine I'm already on. I need to see life for how it really is and deal with it.

Insanity

is repeating the same thing over and over again expecting the same results.

Peoples' lives are insanity.
I'm not insane. I'm going crazy from the truth though.

It's been forever since I've written anything. Freakin' school. My aunt's on my nuts all the time for me to get my home school work done. My mom has always been a quiet rebel and she wants me to just drop it and go to summer school. Yet again she's putting off calling the guidance counselor. Always does. I can't wait to socialize. I'm so ADHD now it's not even funny. I need change. I've never realized it before but I feel it now. I had a creative burst and I couldn't find my sketchbook so I just doodled on my desk. It looks amazing though. And the mural on my bedroom wall is coming along fine. I just wish I had the motivation to work on it daily. It would probably get done a lot faster but now it's only the top half of Alice. I'm learning to play guitar. Fail. Now I'm hungry. And sleepy. And I'm still on the phone with Brittany. I hate boredom. It leads to depression and anger. I want to drive. I want to go to the beach and be able to explore nature. I want to be able to see my friends and meet new people. I want to go on adventures and see new cultures. Why can't I now? Because I'm a kid. Somebody take me there. Walk me there. Fly me there. Drive me. Not later. Now. Before I'm driven to insanity.

Life Lessons And An Exercise Infomercial.

Things are starting to make sense again and I'm so thankful for it. Whenever things start to fall apart I just wait for that moment when I realize something new and everything is great again. It's like the exercise infomercial today. For the P90X routine cds or whatever they are. Your muscles get bigger then there's a plateau effect and then they start getting bigger again once you change the routine to challenge yourself more. Of course you need a break in between but you still need to exercise. It's kind of like life. You always need to exercise just like you can never stop living. There's ways where you can be alive but stop living. When you're a kid you're just starting out the exercise and everything is new to you and then one day you'll hit the plateau effect. Some people never start over and build more muscle while some people are ripped. They're the happiest in life because they try to get the most out of life as they can but they also know balance just like there's all aspects of life you have to focus on. There's family and friends. There's education, a career and relationships. You have to know how to balance it out just like in the dvds there's yoga, karate, weights and other stuff to improve your flexibility and strength. People always tell you, "things will get better" when you're feeling down. The thing is if you're not happy with your life then you have to challenge yourself more and take it in your control. We're all seperate people. That's how it was meant to be. We were meant to live together as seperate people. That's why I believe nobody has the right to tell others what to do. It only causes chaos.

11:59 pm May 28, 2009

I love the morning.

4am and the sun is coming up. I'm listening to Heavy by Holly Brook. It's peaceful. I hate when the day actually starts though because then it feels like you've been up all night and if you don't yet, you will soon. So I always fall asleep way too early when I wake up before sunrise. Church yesterday was fun. It's just weird because I haven't had many chances to be social since I started my medicine and I'm pretty sure there's a difference now. Yesterday I officially stopped talking to Rachel. Maybe she already decided that for me but I was unaware. I'm glad we both are now. It's over. I feel so great now. It's like I can move on with my life and I can. I'm still seeing where things with Brittany and me are going. So far I'm happy with her. We don't fight. I don't want to be with anybody else. She let's me have my space. We have some of the same interests like piercings. It's fun being around her. She's really cute haha. Sure there might be minor things but I'm not going to nitpick because if I did then nobody would ever be good enough for me. She makes me happy and that's all I need to think about right now because I'm still a kid and I don't need to make things any more complicated than they are.

5:22 am May 28, 2009

Poem: Car Crash

This car crash has me pinned down so tight
just like you did last night
but I'm on the ground
and you're nowhere to be found
so this can't be right
for me to give up without a fight.

"I'm a trainwreck for you."

I thought I was going to stop writing but I just can't do that. I never know what to write about until I start and I can't just start writing when I have a good thought becase then my brain goes too fast for my fingers. That isn't the point though. I got food stuck under the 'i' key and now i have to punch it for it to work. It doesn't even look like there's food stuck under it anymore. It looks like a little fuzzy troll. So for now forgive the key trolls for any spelling mistakes although I'll try to revise my writing.
I've been going to youth group with Brittany almost every Sunday and Wednesday. I've been enjoying it more than I thought I would also. Let's just say if a meteor came hurdling towards the Earth and destroyed everyone and everything except me and my surrounding area I would still go to youth group alone every week. As long as there was food still. Then again the statement would still be true because my life would just be cut short from starvation. That reminds me I should eat but if I do I'll never finish this blog. I can't post a half finished blog although I probably would out of laziness. You wouldn't be able to tell it's unfinished. I would though because I know the point and you don't. Only I make the point of everything I do and that's why. Again, I'm getting off subject. Maybe I'll do a test of my ADHD. I'll get some food and see if I can continue this blog afterwards and have it turn out alright. I never could do that with sketches. The top half would be a portrait and then the bottom half would morph into a clock-eating zebra. That's an exaggeration. I'm to lazy to even finish the zebra. But it would look cool.
So I tried making eggs but I only like the egg whites. It was going fine until I tried flipping it. Now I have scrammbled egg whites. Times like these I wish we still lived with my gradnmom. Anyways to the subject of last night. Brittany and I usually walk back from youth group together and it's usually dark. I look forward to it because it's peaceful and it gives me time to be alone and myself with her. Well, I'm always myself but it's just me and her so more real somehow. I'm not saying I'm in love with her because I'll never make that mistake again. 'Love' is a term used when you care for someone deeply and trust them. Such as family, friends and relationships. 'In love' has two different meanings to me. You can fall in love and fall out of security. You have nothing except that person and when that person leaves you because you messed up then you have nothing and you have to start over. I'll never make that mistake again. There's another kind which is reliable. Two people depend on each other and love each other. They both have a life that's stable but never give up their security for the person because that's when things go wrong. You can never trust another person before yourself because you can hardly trust yourself. It's not something to be sad over. People expect too much out of others because we're thrown into this world and don't know what we'll get out of it except for what the people who were here before tell us except they don't know either so they're giving us false hopes which we'll give to the next generation. Other people were put here for us and vise-versa. In case nobody has noticed already life is one big cycle. You can either view it as a contradiction or a cycle. Optimistic or pessimistic. People say "What's my purpose?". When you decide how you view life that's how you answer that question. We determine our own purpose and that right there is our purpose. Huh, I went way off subject. Atleast, I had a point in mind. Brittany and I usually walk back from youth group and I enjoy it. It's peaceful and it gives me time to think. When we get to her house we usually sit on a patch of grass on the corner down the street from her house because her mom doesn't like me since she doesn't want Brittany to date girls haha. Last night we layed down and looked up at the stars. I hadn't done that with somebody in awhile. She's so simple but complicated. I think I can see myself with her for awhile. That was going to be the whole point of this blog but I got a little side tracked.

Trainwreck by Mat Kearney

1:09 pm May 21, 2009

Irony has never hit me so hard.

I'm going to try to make this a short entry even though it seems like something to write about in detail. I just don't feel like thinking right now. I was sitting on the steps out front with my mom and talking. We got on the subject of religion and I started talking about how I do have my own beliefs but I don't believe in religion because I think it seems like a cult and it's too controlling. So every time I said the exact words "I don't believe in religion" the power went out for just the row of houses where I'm living. I thought it was just my sister or stepdad flickering the lights so I ignored it. Ironically the lights flickered almost the same exact time after I said it. Until I realized the pattern and I told my mom and we decided to try it out and so I said it one more time. A few seconds passed without the lights flickering so I said I guess it was just coincidence and right then the power went out. Except then it was out for a few hours. I spent a few hours talking to my grandmom on my cell that night. I still have a lot to think about.

11:21 am May 8, 2009

"I don't love you. I'm just passing the time."

"Throw my line out to sea to see if I can catch a dream."

Relationships are complicated. I know you wanna say, "No ****, Sherlock." Actually it's not the relationships that are complicated but it's mostly the feelings and words. When you question how much you really meant to someone all along then it becomes confusing. Maybe before you do you should question how much they really meant to you. Even if somebody walked out of your life as fast as they walked in without a goodbye you still wonder how much you meant. It doesn't matter if you hardly knew the person or what happened. That makes me realize I'm attracted to all the wrong people. The kind who are reckless and leave you without thought for someone better. This has happened more than once and I'm not pitying myself over it but I wonder if I'll be doomed to a life of chasing what can't be caught.

6:55 pm May 7, 2009

People

Imbalances in the human brain can be so destructive to our personal lives. How do people figure they have the right to control others? A long or not so long process of thought full of ignorance and lacking insight. People are so different from others which is one of the reasons the world is so chaotic. Animals are peaceful in their destruction and their cycle of life. But humans choose not to be. I guess I can't really say they choose not to be. They all feel they have a sense of righteousness when they follow whatever that long process of thoughts leads up to whether it is ignorant or not. I guess that's our price to pay for not being very far on the evolution scale even though it's a far advance from cavemen. Some people are simple like animals. Which I like. But it lacks the pursuit of wisdom I seek in life whether they are happy or not. Most are happy. How can you be simple and not happy? Anyways back to the main topic. I refuse to be ruled by another person with less insight on the world than me no matter their age. If you know me I'm persistent to the point where it's aggravating. And to another subject. People need to mind their own business and ex girlfriends need to stop being so immature. Why can't people just be honest? I don't know. Who cares about my personal life? Apparently a few people. People need to stop wasting their energy on getting into other peoples' business out of their own interest. I should just stop replying to texts like that but I figured they'd assume the wrong thing. Now I realize it'd just be better if I didn't because I don't want anything to do with her anymore. I guess it's fair because she thinks the same. So this should be some kind of closure then right? It would help if I knew what that word meant completely..

3:02 pm May 7, 2009

Update May 21, 2009
It was actually Rachel's friend texting me from her phone. Rachel and I have resolved things and become friends again. It's been working out better than I thought.

In The Mind Of A Procrastinator

Today felt worthless. I meant to do a lot. I promise. But you see I woke up and took my medicine and either got a pill stuck in my throat or my sinus infection just decided to hate me for a few hours. So as I'm not a morning person I had the genius idea to stick my hand down my throat and see if there was a pill stuck and I ended up puking. I hadn't eaten yet so that was a fantastic experience. I spent my day sleeping. I meant to get a lot done. Maybe I will. But now that I've already wasted half the day and my mom is bringing me the very root of obesity a.k.a. McDonald's french fries I think I'll make today a day of rest and do whatever needs to get done tomorrow. Oh but I did manage to do one thing. It took about ten minutes. I can't say what because it's a surprise to somebody who might possibly read this. I might be able to post it in about a week. If I ever get around to mailing it..

2:13 pm May 7, 2009

Update May 21, 2009
I never got around to mailing it. Maybe I will now since this blog just reminded me. I'll probably have a deja-vu of this in about two weeks.

I'm transferring my blogs from xanga

to here. So there's going to be a lot of old posts at once.