This is the last night you'll spend alone.

Seriously? Picture day is Tuesday and I need hair dye. I have no problem with it being blue. But it's faded which sucks. I'll probably dye it either blonde or black. Maybe with some other colors in it. I don't wanna go to school anymore. I'm too hyper to sit still for an hour and a half. But I don't wanna be home. It's so boring. I even hate staying home sick. Everyone here is so boring. I'd paint but I want a big canvas to paint on. Then I want to paint on my walls. But I don't have all the colors I want. I want to play guitar but I don't have an acoustic or a tuner. I want to play piano but I'm not allowed to use my step dad's keyboard. I want to do so many things and there's always something stopping me. And then I wanna actually do stuff with you but you're always too busy sleeping or working or on the computer. Or playing with Rachel. Or helping her with schoolwork. I hate it even more here when he gets home. I get that he doesn't like me but does he really have to try to hide it and be such a girl about it? He's selfish. Obviously, Rachel is his favorite. I don't think it was that way when I was little before we moved out. Or maybe I was just too young to realize it. But I kind of want to move in with my dad. At least he does stuff with me. Takes me places and understands that I'm a kid and I get bored. He understands me. I'm more like him than I'm like you. Sometimes I wish he never left. But then things would be completely different and I don't know if I would like them that way. I hate when people think that I'm just a kid so I must be naive and not know much. I know more than some adults. I hate restrictions. They're here to keep us safe? I can do that myself. We should all be responsible for ourselves. People are idiots. For trying to control me. I hate being controlled. Nobody knows my best interest besides me. So we got kicked out of the mall yesterday. Why? Brittany was giving me a piggyback ride. Apparently it's horseplay. The same security guard finds ANY reason he can to kick any kid out of the mall. His nuts deserve to fall off one day. If he even has any left. Everyone pisses me off. Once you get to know them you recognize all their flaws. And they're really hard to ignore. Not that I don't have any. But they annoy me too. Rachel's so obsessive over Mel and too dependent and never understands what I say. Maybe that's why I liked her. Because she's what I'm not. Brittany.. She's like a lot of other people with religion. Never questions it. Doesn't understand philosophy. Who does? I can't expect most people to. But I wish they did because this world would probably be a better place. I guess I like her because she makes me think differently and I'm happy around her. Lauren.. We're a lot alike. So maybe that's why we don't work out but at times we would like to.

Anyways. I don't think you can really enjoy life if you look at it in the big picture. It makes you question things too much. If you look at the simple things then you find happiness in little things temporarily as the moments pass by. So will there ever be a point in my life where I'm completely happy with everything? No because there's no such thing. The happiest day of my life might be the day I die. And that sounds depressing but it really isn't. People are only scared of death because it's the biggest thing that they can't control. But it's natural and it'll happen so why be scared of it? It's supposed to happen and maybe something good will come of it but that's no reason to look forward to it or be scared of it.