i can't stop thinking about you.
it was a good night.
minus a few things :/
i don't even know how to explain how i feel right now besides different. but not in a bad way.
i'm wondering if tonight was the end of us or if it was a few days ago. or if it'll never be.
and i'm wondering if tonight was the beginning. because i hope it doesn't end here.
going to listen to music and sleep i guess.

(=

today was a fun day. got called to the office for the detentions i missed. all they did was reschedule it. then i got another one for being late to class ): i've decided i'm going to try a lot harder in french but also in german even though that's not one of my classes. i've also signed up for ram hour for geometry so that should help. usually i don't text all day because it's not worth risking getting my phone taken away but you make me smile. i love talking to you. and hope i get to see you soon.. so on my way back from the office Iris screamed my name out from her classroom i was walking by and i stopped and was like HI :D i got detention! -holds up paper- and she was like BAD GIRL hahaha then i looked up and her teacher (who resembles mr. T) was glaring at me so I waved and ran haha. Later she saw me again and told me she talked to Jordan who is this girl who definitely looks gay but apparently she's straight? everyone even thinks she's a boy. haha. but iris said jordan said she thought i was weird but adorable hahaha. she probably thinks me and christine are creepers. but oh well it's still fun. then in math some girl passed me a note saying she thinks i'm adorable and to text her with her number :p pretty cool i guess but she's not my type. i have to get my stuff from christines house.. and i'm excited for the three day weekend.

hey moon, please forget to fall down. hey moon, don't you go down.

wow. this is how i know. you make me want to be a better person. and the world doesn't seem so dull anymore.
it's been awhile.
finally getting back into psychology, art, reading, and philosophy. oh, and music. it's.. great.

i'm sorry this wasn't easy

i was thinking i don't care anymore. but then i saw your picture and i couldn't help but remember how much i do. i've only been thinking about the bad so i can move on but every time i see you i can only remember the good. it doesn't matter though. i'm so tired. i'm still not used to getting up this early but i was actually on time for school today. so i think i like you a lot. i have since i saw you. we've been texting a lot since then. and everything about you seems amazing. like you're really not like anyone else i know yet you're so familiar that i can relate to you and trust you easily. idunno. i have to mail that thing..

ugh. i should've never even bothered. i just don't care anymore..
late for school again.. great.

you're out now i'm assuming and where ever you are and whenever we're not talking i'm wondering if you're with him whoever he is. and if he's making you smile like i do. if i'm even on your mind. or if the memories of us are slowly being erased with the ones you're making now. i don't understand how anyone could EVER like a guy that much. i could pick apart my brain and never find an answer. i don't know how to react to this. you'll end up hating me. there's only so much i can put you through that you can put up with. i just wish you understood why i act how i do and sometimes i wish i could be different so i'd be better for you but then i wouldn't be myself. yeah, i guess it's not a big deal compared to everything i did but you feel guilty for a reason. and i knew it. i had a feeling before you told me. nothing gave it away but whenever i actually get like this the other person always feels differently. oh well i'm leaving for my friends house.

i'm happy. until i think about you :/ it used to be the opposite. everything seems to be going right except you and me. this is probably karma. i could regret any of the things i did that lead to this but i believe nothing would have kept it from turning out like this. so i don't regret anything because i never do. but i have a sinking feeling in my stomach always thinking about it because only time will tell and one of the things i lack most is patience. i've searched this shoreline to see if you still care or wear my heart on your sleeve. i've been waiting here hoping you'd come back home to carry me away to where we used to be. but if your heart doesn't fall my way please know i wanted you to stay.

i hope you're not expecting a reply

i don't do well with these things so i guess silence is the answer. oh, and i'm listening to that one song you love.

"i swear it's like trying to catch a ghost, like i'm dying to hold smoke"

i downloaded brand new's new cd today and it doesn't come out for another few weeks. it's pretty good. i love 'at the bottom'. i haven't had time to really listen to the other songs but i read the lyrics and they're great. i fell asleep listening to it and it really isn't sleepy music.. anyways i dyed part of my hair blonde. it looks cool i guess. i just wanna get off the computer and finish the chapter in my book then go to bed. i'm actually looking forward to art class tomorrow. it's helped a lot. goodnight.

"go ahead and burn it down.. go ahead and build it up again"

i seriously wish i knew anything at all..

i don't know anything at all.

does anybody or can anybody?

This is the last night you'll spend alone.

Seriously? Picture day is Tuesday and I need hair dye. I have no problem with it being blue. But it's faded which sucks. I'll probably dye it either blonde or black. Maybe with some other colors in it. I don't wanna go to school anymore. I'm too hyper to sit still for an hour and a half. But I don't wanna be home. It's so boring. I even hate staying home sick. Everyone here is so boring. I'd paint but I want a big canvas to paint on. Then I want to paint on my walls. But I don't have all the colors I want. I want to play guitar but I don't have an acoustic or a tuner. I want to play piano but I'm not allowed to use my step dad's keyboard. I want to do so many things and there's always something stopping me. And then I wanna actually do stuff with you but you're always too busy sleeping or working or on the computer. Or playing with Rachel. Or helping her with schoolwork. I hate it even more here when he gets home. I get that he doesn't like me but does he really have to try to hide it and be such a girl about it? He's selfish. Obviously, Rachel is his favorite. I don't think it was that way when I was little before we moved out. Or maybe I was just too young to realize it. But I kind of want to move in with my dad. At least he does stuff with me. Takes me places and understands that I'm a kid and I get bored. He understands me. I'm more like him than I'm like you. Sometimes I wish he never left. But then things would be completely different and I don't know if I would like them that way. I hate when people think that I'm just a kid so I must be naive and not know much. I know more than some adults. I hate restrictions. They're here to keep us safe? I can do that myself. We should all be responsible for ourselves. People are idiots. For trying to control me. I hate being controlled. Nobody knows my best interest besides me. So we got kicked out of the mall yesterday. Why? Brittany was giving me a piggyback ride. Apparently it's horseplay. The same security guard finds ANY reason he can to kick any kid out of the mall. His nuts deserve to fall off one day. If he even has any left. Everyone pisses me off. Once you get to know them you recognize all their flaws. And they're really hard to ignore. Not that I don't have any. But they annoy me too. Rachel's so obsessive over Mel and too dependent and never understands what I say. Maybe that's why I liked her. Because she's what I'm not. Brittany.. She's like a lot of other people with religion. Never questions it. Doesn't understand philosophy. Who does? I can't expect most people to. But I wish they did because this world would probably be a better place. I guess I like her because she makes me think differently and I'm happy around her. Lauren.. We're a lot alike. So maybe that's why we don't work out but at times we would like to.

Anyways. I don't think you can really enjoy life if you look at it in the big picture. It makes you question things too much. If you look at the simple things then you find happiness in little things temporarily as the moments pass by. So will there ever be a point in my life where I'm completely happy with everything? No because there's no such thing. The happiest day of my life might be the day I die. And that sounds depressing but it really isn't. People are only scared of death because it's the biggest thing that they can't control. But it's natural and it'll happen so why be scared of it? It's supposed to happen and maybe something good will come of it but that's no reason to look forward to it or be scared of it.

Oops I fell asleep today when I was supposed to go to Brittanys. I guess I will tomorrow then. I have to dye my hair again because the blue is fading.. I definitely have like nothing to write about anymore because I'm single now lol. I love being single though. I can do what I want and not have to worry about anyone else really. I can focus on school better. Last weekend was pretty fun. I won't even write about that here.. Next weekend I should be hanging out with Catt and Piggy. Haven't seen them in awhile. I definitely have to get to bed early so I don't fall asleep again tomorrow after school..

so school is going pretty good and all. i mean i like it. but seriously don't wanna go tomorrow. i still have homework to do. and only because i've been busy all weekend and then i took a nap right when i got home. i'll finish it in time though.

whatever

sigh. i wish i could stop thinking about you. so school has ruined my schedule. i didn't know i had one. but i hate getting up this early. i always have to take a nap after school or i'm super grumpy. i can't eat before i leave or during lunch because i'm picky about when i eat. so i usually dom't eat til i get home. and i found out i go to the bathroom at 11:23 every day. weird huh. so you haven't talked to me today. i don't know why. you're probably dating her. i have the worst mood swings that made you leave me. so i was considering going back on my medicine. but i probably shouldn't since i tried so hard to get off of it. besides it's not like i'm trying to fix things with you anyways. it's really over. ugh i have so many mosquito bites. i went out the other day to hang out with people and i was out for a few hours. so i have quite a few friends so far for only being into a week of school. so i guess that's good. i found out i like tech n9ne. pretty cool.. i'm so tired i'm gonna eat something and go to sleep.

I have nothing to write today. That I can think of. School was good. Woo? Hopefully I can do something tonight or I'll end up taking a nap and then staying up late again. Which sucks. Oh, and lockdown in school today. Big deal.. not.

yeah..

i'll take your heart, wear it on my sleeve tonight, and pray to god you don't make it to daylight

you left me low and i don't care. it was way overdue hanging dry in despair.

hurt you once, shame on me. hurt you twice, shame on you.

and i'll keep going down til you're out of view.

if you thought this meant anything at all, you're wrong.

you can't lie to me, we're so alike

i couldn't convince myself and neither could you.

i don't know what was there but it sure wasn't love

can't fill an empty space with air like what we had wasn't there

and if this is the last thing i say to you

it'll still be on my mind but you have to know when to quit

because if we're half as smart as we say we would've just walked away

the second time around and if this is the last thing you hear

i just want it to be i'll miss you but i can't stick around here.

Great so i missed the bus home today. But other than that i guess it was okay. I'm sitting outfront of the school right now waiting for a ride.