don't waste your time on me you're already the voice inside my head

i miss you, i miss you.

couldn't sleep last night so i was up til five am. finally fell asleep then woke up ten minutes before the bus got here. i made it to the bus stop in time surprisingly. i left first period though because i didn't feel good. and i've been sleeping since i got home. so i just woke up and it's about 1:40pm.. one man drinking games by mayday parade has to be one of the most depressing songs ever. and no matter what it never gets old. the very end reminds me of you especially. why i don't know. i'm going back to sleep.

strattera here i come.

i hate how i'm so hyper my mom doesn't even wanna be around me. i'm just bored. even when i'm occupied.

the silence will set her free

I'm 50% sure I'm going insane and 50% sure I'm already insane. I flip out on the drop of a dime. Is that the right phrase? Maybe it's a hat.. I was so depressed this morning and all of a sudden nobody could get me to shut up. Now I'm 99% sure I've always been insane but it's only showing now because I'm only on 1/4 my normal dose of topomax. I'm determined to fix things without medicine though. Who knows what it's doing to my brain in the long run. I had the craziest dreams last night. I won't even write them on here. But I woke up at almost exactly six am and I was so wide awake right when I got up. I was panicking a little but that might have been because of the dream or I was worrying I'd be late for school. I hate schedule changes. So I went and slept with my mom and sister til I woke up at 1 pm. Greggory cuddled with me too. (: He's the most adorable thing ever. So today I drew a jester. Well I'm only done the outline and a few details. It's pretty good though. I'll probably hang it up. I just finished cleaning my room too. I didn't do a very good job but at least you can walk in it now. I only did because my mom said she would play football with me outback. But now I don't even feel like it anymore. Sorry I never replied. You were right for what you said but it hurt and I can't say I'm okay with it. I'm being such an idiot right now and I need someone whose always there for me no matter what I do. But I don't think anybody ever gets that because there's always a point where you have to draw the line. So I guess if you can wait til I can be better then it'll work. Or we should just forget everything and leave it at this.

you don't know what to think..

So.. going over Reva's tonight. Gotta wait for the laundry to get done because I'm lazy and have like no clean pairs of jeans anymore.... I'm in such a weird mood now. Probably only because I'm tired. I got up at 7 am and was so hyper. This song is really sad.. I don't know why I like it thought because I don't think I relate to it really. So.. a lot happened with in the last week.. and I don't exactly want to type about all of it or any of it. I'm just in a lazy mood.

i hope that you would do this for me.

go to hell. i really really really dislike her. it's not about this. it's about us. and i hope i don't see either of your faces anytime soon. Aug 27th, here comes my new start.

The Battle Is Between Us But The War Is Inside Me

The Battle Is Between Us But The War Is Inside Me

i'm stuck with imperfections and shattered reflections

everything i loved is a memory and i hope you don't hold this against me

i want you to see, forever is so empty

my fingertips shake with sorrys and this papers drowning in apathy

the emptiness in me could hold a million destinies and enemies

so fill me up let the war begin and blood spill

you can be the king and savior as i'm laying and praying, you can't take her

i'm pacing the hall and tracing every move you made

because for now it's enough to keep me sane

just enough stop this fighting in my head

it's pouring and i fear i may be dead

i'm drowning in red with my tears left unsaid

the emptiness in me could hold a million destinies and enemies

so fill me up let the war begin and blood spill

you can be the king and savior as i'm laying and praying, you can't take her

you can't take her

if this is a waste then hurry, get me out of this place

it could be enough to bury me six under

it's deep but i can still hear the thunder

if i can't leave i'll just lay and think of you

stitches are all i need caus i won't blink

i won't be able to miss you

I used to be love drunk but now I'm hungover.

I'm glad what happened did. Because it just puts me a step higher in my life. Things hurt but I get over them. Good things come along too. And what ends is meant to. I shouldn't hide my feelings. Shouldn't hide my thoughts. I fell in a pit but I'm glad because the climb out of it is making me stronger. Things are getting better. Right now I'm looking forward to going home, eating ramen, getting into comfy clothes and either watching a movie or playing video games. Anyways, I think I made the right decision. Maybe a little late. But atleast I did eventually.

Anthem To This Night

can you hear the sirens, they're the anthem to this night
they're the violins in this orchestra
the soundtrack to this fight

i'll hold onto your body as your soul slips away
i'll remember this night until my dying day
i got everything except the love i should be in
you're an angel but not meant for heaven
but i need a miracle from right here next to me
you're all that i need

hold up the hurt so it can't crush you underneath
if it weren't for hopes you would already be beat
i'll come home to give your shoulders a rest
but i'll be gone again as soon as you catch your breath

You Can't Fall With Your Head Constantly In The Clouds

let's take the highway to the skyline
we can sail away to the horizon
you and i can cross the line
we'll leave this place behind

you're the sun in my sunset
and i never really went for my best bet
i'm like a train without a track
and there's no turning back
you'll be in my arms tonight

take me back to those days
when the hurt went away
i never fell caus my head was in the clouds
all it took was a love like ours

chorus

i'll take one last shot that's not in the plot
caus tonight you look so hot and
i won't regret it because you won't let it end
these feelings i have for you
you won't let it end

Every time I leave you go and lock the door.

It looks like you were crying, or at least sad. This never should have even started so I wouldn't be in this position right now. Not that I regret anything. I really wish you could move on. Then you'd be happy. Sure I'd miss it but it's better off that way. It's not where I should be. I've just been in a really depressed mood lately and not much has been going right. I feel like I should be doing something but I can't. I slept until five today. Medicine withdraw has to be one of the worst things to experience. Well.. maybe. It just sucks. Maybe I should get back on it. It's not like I was a better person then. I never seem to do the right thing. But at least then I didn't care about anything. I could just sit there and be happy. I wasn't even motivated to do anything. That's pretty pathetic. I know I shouldn't go back on my medicine. It's not who I am. Maybe I'm sad for a reason. I need to figure out why and do something about it. I wanna get away and make something of my life. I wanna have my own life. Because I'm so sick of boundaries. There's always something telling me I can't do something. But why? It's not because I literally can't. It's just a mindset. I need change. I can't wait for school to start either. At least I'll have something to occupy my time. Maybe things will change.

Show me what I'm looking for

Seriously? I'm glad I said what I did because this just proves it. I still have others in my life and so do you. We shouldn't though. And won't if it ever gets to that point again. I can't stand that song either. For multiple reasons but even more so now.

So, medicine withdraw this morning. It's happened twice already and it feels horrible. Like there's an ice pack on my chest and it won't go away and none of it will go away until I take my medicine. It's messed up. Maybe I did learn a lot from starting the medicine. Maybe it did open my mind to a lot. Maybe it did help. But it's not worth it. I'm not myself. I'm a lot more motivated now that I'm almost off of it.

Revas sending me links to art schools. I'm almost completely sure that's what I want to do with my life. Art. If it's anything else then I know I'll be asking myself everyday why I'm even alive. That sounds dumb but hey a lot of people hate their job and I won't be one of them because I refuse to waste my life.

Well.. I don't even know where to start. Youth group we had a discussion. And somebody brought up the question what's your passion? It made me think. A lot of people don't know. But I know. It's art and slightly music. For once it's like I know who I am and what I'm about. I'm not going to settle for any less. I won't settle for a job I hate. I'm going to follow my dreams whatever it takes because everybody is here for something and I know why I am. I learn more and more every day. Anyways I'm done talking about that. There's not much more to say about it. I wish everything were that simple. I have nothing to say about anything else because I'm so indefinite in my decisions that everything I say would be a contradiction and everything else would be something I've said before. Oh well I just saw a video of Taylor Swift rapping with t pain. .. It was amazing.

I hate you

because you know me

even when i don't let you.

because i'm nervous around you

even though i've been around you so many times.

because you get under my skin

every time you want to.

because i feel like a completely different person

ever since you left me.

because you don't give care that i'm upset

eventually you find out and you enjoy it.

because you don't let me in

even though i shouldn't expect you to.

because it was all or nothing

everything came down to it being nothing.

i hate you.