"you've been waiting a long time to fall down"

there are thorns in my back
and you're laying on top of me pushing them in
i've never felt such a pain
but then again i've never felt so great

"i wish i could sleep but i can't lay on my back because there's a knife for everyday that i've known you."

Every time I come home I hope to see you standing there. I know you won’t be. There’s still a small part of me that wishes you would though. I won’t go to where I know I’ll see you. I’ll only be disappointed when we act like we never knew each other. I tried to take every trace of you out of my life but I’m only reminded of you even more. You can’t blame me. It’s what you were trying for all along. When you decided it wasn’t me you should be with you left. It’s a plan set only for failure. If there's a god you’re just like him. He created something and gave it everything it needed to set itself on a path of destruction. Here we are only getting worse. Here I am not getting any better without you. I wish for once I’d look up and not hope to see you.

"what a way to say goodbye."

I poured my soul into it and where it where after that I don’t know. I never lost faith in what we had but it lost faith in us.

"We treat mishaps like sinking ships and
I know that I don't want to be out to drift
Well I can see it in your eyes like I taste your lips and
They both tell me that we're better than this"

Why do we have to be enemies every other week? Why does everything I do have to have a hidden intention to hurt you? It never does. It's always the opposite. I always have your best intention in mind even if it doesn't show. I don't know the best way to show it. But I can guarantee I've never cared for someone like I do for you. If my words don't have enough worth then if you were to tell me what to do to show you I'd do it in a second. Except now I don't know how to act. I've never worried about myself not being good enough for someone until I met you. You deserve so much more than anyone can give including me. Now I fear losing you every day. Every day I'm unsure what goes on in your head about us and it worries me because since I met you my feelings for you have only gotten stronger. For the days in which you let me know I have you, and it's just me and you, I never take for granted. Tell me this isn't love and I'll know love doesn't exist. At least not for me. Not with anyone else in the world except you.

Demons

She’s just a wound in the course of my life that won’t heal. I stitched it up and soon enough it was swallowed by flesh. Numerous attempts proved effortless as each one sunk into a world she controlled. One day I sat at my desk watching it taunt me and my nerves caused me to lose all nurturing feelings I’ve had previous to that day. I picked up a pair of scissors and stabbed and cut at it mercilessly until it was lost under new blood. To this day the scars have held her hostage and I have yet to see her again. Time refuses to heal the weak. Demons must be fought off.

the new year.. could have started out better.
but i'm going through a creative phase.
and i'm starting my adhd medicine tomorrow.
i don't know if it'll be a good thing or a bad thing.

"i would have told her then that she was the only thing i could love in this dying world"

For the first time in my life I truly felt fear. It's not at all like when you're a kid and your parents make you sleep in your room alone with your lights out because you're becoming a 'big kid'. You stare at that shadow for way too long convinced that it's creeping towards you and your automatic reaction is to retreat under the covers or to run to your parents. The thing is a million dark consecutive nights alone in my room couldn't have prepared me for this. I was laying there looking at your eyes and they resembled waves more than the ocean itself does. I felt if I made one wrong move I would slip and never surface again. Drowning is probably one of the worst feelings in the world. It's searching for something you need that just isn't there. You don't get to it in time and as soon as you panic your lungs fill with water. So here I am, I can't hide and I can't run or else I risk slipping and drowning. I lay here with my world wide open as you stare back and take the first steps onto solid ground.

---

you can say anything you want and never mean it
you can do anything you want and never mean it
they can leave as many times as they want and that's the only time you ever realize what you mean