when i first started writing this i swear my intentions were well

i left your room for the very last time and i can't sleep with all these things running through my head

I don't think I like myself currently. But for significant reasons. I never know what I want. When I do I second guess myself. I never take responsibility for my actions. I get so annoyed by all flaws. I'm so out of it right now that my mind is racing and I don't know what to do. I didn't take my meds today. Well, I still need control on my own. Why don't I ever know what I want? Nothing's perfect but I want it all and I can't have it all but that wouldn't work either. I just want an easy answer that I won't get. Love was an easy answer for me. I could fight for love til I couldn't anymore. But when I start questioning love then I'll never get what I want. Right now I just can't let it go that far. Seems like I took a huge step back in my life. Did I ever have the right idea? Nothing is pure right. Right? Love can't find me. I won't let it. I can't find love. I won't let myself. Who says you can find love anyways? You don't just find it one day and all of a sudden there it is. No, I think it grows like a flower. A flower with many thorns but still beautiful. Haha this is so cheesy. I'm just ranting here. Why am I even writing about love anyways? It's silly. But then there's peace, love happiness. Well I'm all for peace and happiness but I have yet to grasp love and I don't think I quite understand it's general concept. I think I'm looking too far into this. I just want to fall and trust and be hurt and love like a used to. Maybe it was silly but I don't want to live only for myself. That's not the person I want to be. Maybe I'll make it to that point again one day but I'm hurting people around me when I'm not trusting and when I'm pushing them out. I make choices that push them away constantly. Maybe it's just because I want something to fight for. That's just how I am. But that doesn't make this okay. When will things be okay? There's no easy answer. So I just hope I'm not given up on yet because I want to know I mean as much to them as they mean to me.