A lot has seemed to be resolved..

..since I had this talk with my Grandmom. It made me realize I was overthinking things to the point where it was harmful to me. I was becoming conceited and deadset on my answers to life. I really think the only thing you can do is make it through the day. Philosophy is a wonder to me. I can't help but think about it but I won't let it be an answer to me anymore because that's when it starts becoming my downfall. It's a part of growing up. Learning how to handle the responsibility. Maybe that's part of mine and I'm thankful for all of it. I love the simple things in life and I think I should keep it that way. Just be happy with what I have and be the best person I can be. My Grandmom also believes in God and from some recent experiences I've started to believe to. So she's told me told make it through the day and pray at night and then the morning. Honestly, it helps a lot. I do it when I'm having a rough time. And I know when He's talking to me too. Last night my mom and I weren't getting along so well because she was really stressed out about the kittens and it's very complicated but I started to feel as hopeless as I used to when I lived in my Mom's house. So I was really upset and I walked up to the playground because I didn't want her to see me crying and I tried to find somebody to talk to but I couldn't. I can't talk to Brittany about things. I couldn't call my family because I didn't want them to think differently of my mom, not that they would but there's still that feeling. I feel sort of weird talking about this because I usually keep it in my head and usually when people talk about religious stuff I used to think it was crap. But I prayed. And this light came on against a shed in front of me and everytime I said something or asked something the wind blew stronger. I knew we were talking. Finally I said thanks and it was random but my mom called and she came up to get the mail and she sat down next to me and apologized and then I noticed the light that was shining on the shed went out. Everything seemed to be okay after that. I guess everything does happen for a reason. I'm not being gullible but this was too ironic to doubt.

"half in love"

"I was half in love with her by the time we sat down. That's the thing about girls. Every time they do something pretty, even if they're not much to look at, or even if they're sort of stupid, you fall half in love with them, and then you never know where the hell you are. Girls. Jesus Christ. They can drive you crazy. They really can." ~J.D. Salinger, The Catcher in the Rye, Chapter 10


I really like this quote. It reminds you of how you feel when you meet a girl and you like them but don't know them. It's not who they are because you don't know who exactly that is. But it's what you perceive them to be by the things they do such as the cute things that just drive you crazy. It doesn't last but it gets you through the night. That's how I think of it.


This is pretty random too but for some reason whenever I'm away from the computer I have nothing to say but when I open this page up I swear I could type for hours straight about anything at all. Maybe I should start writing more often and if it turns out to be something I could consider pursuing a career in it because honestly it's starting to interest me the more I read and the more I think. Then to be even more honest I don't think I'm very good at it. I just enjoy it. But enjoying things doesn't get you very far in life because nobody appreciates it like you do. Anyways, I'd wanna write one of those books that don't have a genius plot but it's still clever and there's still a depressed and confused yet wise tone to the character. The kind that gives more thought than action. Where you have to read into it to enjoy it. Talk about having a "No Idiots Allowed" stamp on the front. It could be the next classic. Like The Catcher in the Rye and The Perks Of Being a Wallflower. There's just too much to consider yet some of the best choices in my life have been made on impulse. Then again so have the worst but it hasn't stopped me yet.

This may sound corny..

..but I don't know what I'd do without my Grandmom. I was laying in bed and I started panicking that if I didn't call her I would lose her. So I did and we had a casual conversation for a little while but with her it's never a casual conversation. We talked about everything people normally would but it wasn't one dimensional. She's just that kind of person that you enjoy talking to for hours about anything and everything. So things lead to other things which lead to us talking about the theory of evolution vs. creationism and Brittany and life and fate and religion and the government. She is one of the best people to talk to about these things. It should be put in dictionary.com under "perfect" as one of the definitions. I can even talk about girls to her. Not about sex to her because I'm uninterested in analyzng that aspect of life although it plays a role. I mean analyzing personalities and compatibility. Tonight, I think I figured out Brittany's role. She's simple. She isn't multi-dimensional or complex. She doesn't know herself. She's a kid. I, in my head, am not. I know my interests and so on. I've been where she was. I'm not compatible with her in the long run as far as I can tell but her interests and true personality has not yet been revealed due to her immaturity(not in the offensive sense of the word). I feel in my place with her at the moment though. I'm in a simple relationship with an adorable teenage girl that I like. I'm playing my role as a teenager which is releaving stress on me. It takes focus off of dating and puts it on more things like spirituality and balance. Also, I have more freedom and time for school work. No one can predict the future indefinitely so I'm letting it be and I'm content at the moment. We talked about Rachel. How we both loved each other but our personalities were so similiar that they contradicted in the worst ways. I won't go into that because I've been over it so many times in my head. All I can say is I think I've managed to work out a lot of the quirks in my personality. Although people don't change as their genes do not, their tendencies do. What got to me the most was when she brought up how she hopes to live a lot longer so she can learn more because she finds the stuff we talked about very interesting. So I brought up how I love talking to her and I hope we both live a very long time so I can always talk to her. Then I asked her if she will still talk to me after she dies. She said yes of course she would. I asked her if she promised and she said, "I promise." So I said if I die before her I'll talk to her too. I almost cried.

Coke Incident

Basically my mom isn't allowed to drink coke. We go out to the car to go to the library and there's a Chick Fil A cup full of coke in there. So I take the straw figuring she can't drink it that way. She takes the cup and is about to take the lid off to drink it. I try to take it from her but I can't reach so I punch her arm and she gets out of the car. Then I hop over the seats and chase her in circles and crush the cup but there's still half left. As she's trying to drink what's remaining I drop kick it and it goes flying and lands by the car. I run over to it and jump on it and the styrofoam cup splits into a few pieces. I have to clean up the mess, we're covered in sticky soda and our neighbors think we're a little crazy. 

Moments

I'm sitting in my bed drinking clementine Izze, reading The Catcher In The Rye and listening to The Scientist by Coldplay. It's so calm and things feel perfect. This is the kind of moment I just want someone here who can enjoy these things like I do without wanting anything more. I was thinking about a lot earlier. Like why don't people ever think about a lot? I do. But I bring it up and people get confused or think it's weird I think about these things so much. Sometimes it just frustrates me. But this will be the end of my first post.