recent drawings

hide under the ground and above the sky
it's the perfect disguise
in fact you're feeling alive
chase the air above where birds take flight
but under every rock you hide
when the clock strikes daylight
fear what you can't fight
not what's out of sight
and to the deepest oceans you could dive.

--

you walk outside the feel the wind on your skin
it tickles and dances across your face
letting you know you're alive
hold your hand high grasping the life you couldn't find
your body seeping through the opposite end
feeling like you're falling from existence
time is at a bend
and the doors of reality seem untouchable
as you feel through everything material
how could you be so lost? asks the traveler
you have no path to lead or follow
there are no ups, downs, lefts and rights
nor south, north, east and west
but the purity of guidance
and the entanglement of pride
stretch you every which way
'til there is no place unscratched

hello sky, please don't fall tonight
i fear the world will pass me by
got to fly through these walls that surround my skull
took a long plane ride to another world
sun, why do you rise while the leaves still fall
then an explosion so big no one even saw
there is no order to go by in my head
and stomach full of lies which i've been fed

"daydreamer"

i was holding your hand walking down the street. you were telling me about your day. i look up at the clouds and they start to get bigger. then i look at the ground and it's at least a mile away by now. i look to my side and i still see you talking about your day in the same tone as always. my mouth starts to drop and my brain hovers in my skull as i free fall to the heavens. "what's wrong," you say. "nothing." because nothing is ever wrong and nothing is ever right. especially without your feet planted on the ground. not to mention your head and basically everything else in the clouds. i look to see disbelief on your face and by now i've stopped moving completely. "you're acting strange. i'm going inside before my this fog makes my hair frizz," you say. i look down at the sidewalk then smile and follow you inside.

sifting through the ashes i'll pretend i found what i'm looking for
lost in time and all that was said and done before
this is a sickness with no cure
a hook with no lure
but i wish for one to feel how i did on those nights
instead of living with all this spite
will i ever learn to love again?

---

you're my love to call a saint only for tonight
fall to the beat of the drums in the fight of your life
scar to scar it makes our worlds go 'round
mechanical lover, you're the air under my feet
with a nut and bolt heart, knowing you would never bleed
motionless bride, your day is yet to come a little too late
celebration turns to mourning since you threw it all away.

---

a prisoner to the horizon, i feel the ache settle in
you're a martyr when your memories surpass you
don't fail me now as you hold my dreams solid
and when your shadow gets dense, withers to an illusion
i know i'm gone, such a lost cause without you
your infection shooting through my veins
i'm an underlying ailment meant to fall to my disposition
we're chemists with a hazard called love
suspended in time each frozen moment
this absurdity has constructed, as if life isn't enough
but that's utterly mistaken at best
because without you love is my last guest.

moment frozen in time like a soldier who saw a bullet coming his way
struck to the ground by a force far greater than they
you have to catch your breath before you can stand again
but you always wished it gone before and that's why it ran
now you're on your deathbed and your muscles refuse to work
regretting all the reasons you wanted to die before
with the little you have left, do what you can
carpe diem

if my stupid poem could fix this home i'd write it everyday

i can't blame you for wanting to be happy
and since then you gave up everything
just for me
but i wish you could see
this house is broken
our home destroyed by sin
we still have to live in the consequences
that leave us unable to sleep at night
shouldn't i appreciate it?
but i'm selfish and wrong
i knew this all along
i'm just a kid
and what you did
won't let me go
i'm sinking so far below
more than i ever have
out of life's grasp.

I think I'm going to write a book. I already started. This is the very beginning.

This isn't a love story. Although, this is a story about love. I guess we should start with introductions. I am a tragedy and in this tragedy a hopeless romantic fights the standards of society.
I never understood why my breath had to show on mornings like these other than to shove it in my face just how frigid it is outside. I'm sure there's a completely logical, technical explanation for it but I'm not a very strong believer in technicality. Truthfully, I'm not a very strong believer in anything.
Bus rides are always the best in the mornings but I prefer none at all. There's always screaming kids that act like there isn't an ounce of maturity in their bodies, blaring headphones, playing repetitive beats with ignorant lyrics to top it off and a headache to match it all. I've had so much practice at tuning everything out though I could be sitting in a meadow of flowers for all I realize right now. Staring out the window, I see nothing that's actually there until a swamp comes into view. Every morning we pass it as the bus driver follows his daily route but this one spot always captures my attention. It's not the swamp in particular but two swans. They're always in the middle, swimming together, right next to each other. Every single morning it makes me think and every single morning it gives me another spark of hope only to diminish by the end of the day.
We arrive at school and nothing is different from any other morning, as much as I wish it would be. The building is still in tact and the kids are still running around like children at a birthday party. A breeze came down but instead of causing chills it was a warm gust and I felt a slight burst of optimism as I headed through the front doors. I searched every face in the hallways sort of looking for context clues instead of watching my feet as I walked to my homeroom. Happy. Depressed. Excited. Nervous. I realized people weren't that hard to read. And that's why I hated them. We're both humans but I feel and think. They feel and do. A kid ran through the hallway playfully chasing another one, dodging students like track hurdles, but tripped over me and knocking me into the lockers. Maybe I should start "feeling and doing" rather than "feeling and thinking". Because I would have knocked him square in his face instead of realizing it was an honest mistake and automatically, against my will, forgiving him. So I keep the anger stored inside my fist for another day.

oh, addicting MMO's

Macs must hate any type of MMORPG or anything similar to it. Or the games hate Macs. Actually the feeling seems mutual. But it's lead me to dropping my last obsession, Ragnarok Online, from a few years ago to downloading WoW. The only decent MMO for Macs. And now I think I'm becoming addicted. Four hours straight so far and I hope it doesn't cut into my writing because I've actually made progress lately. I don't want to take a step back but hey, it's for the sake of the night elf druids.

"you don't know me and you don't wear my chains"

a million voices screaming from the past
calling you like an empty casket
that's why i burned this city down in my head
leaving all the survivors for dead
a shadow of a butterfly went fluttering by
wishing it could fly away, telling itself
"only a few more days
i'll leave this town"

Entranced by the world

i wish you would come home
back to the place where we've grown
with clouds in your head
you can't break free from this city that's almost dead
i know your stomach's turning inside out from the pain you feel now
but that's what life's all about

i can only hope you'll hold me up when it hurts too much to take
i'll drop the rope and pull you up, don't think i'll leave your life at stake
and when you get weary i'll hold you dear to my heart
even though it was cold since the start, it's been melting in every memory of you.

This isn't a poem. I just wrote whatever came to my mind last night. It has significance to me.

your lips move slowly and touch mine. collisions like a car crash on both sides. i don't know why but i adore it. i see your flaws and they pluck my nerves as they would any other person but when your heads on my chest it just starts to sink in leaving no room for the demons inside me. you're insecure and breaking your walls down would be like a paralyzed patient at a mental hospital trying to escape. i could maybe get free.. if only i were able to climb the walls. i could possibly break your walls down if i had the ability to see over my own. if only there were one big wall and we were on the same side instead of opposites. it feels more like a maze of walls than just one huge barrier though. with one, you just need persistence. but in a maze you are easily lost and confused. so my attempt to love and be loved in return is in vain until i break down these walls. the same goes for you. maybe when we both find out what we need to do and do it, i'll meet you at the end of the maze.

you're so dense. it's unbelievable how i ever liked you. you were holding me back but i learned so much when we were over.

Paradoxes of Life

Well... This sure makes you think. I forgot I wrote it. But I was in English and we were talking about paradoxes. So.. I made a poem type thing out of it instead of listening to the lesson. It might explain my grade in that class.

Paradoxes of Life
"there was no death nor immortality"
in these frail minds, boundaries unbroken
with words of imperfect meaning
this world cannot exist with what's not created
and "created" a mere term left for the gods
so here in life nothing is changed
though everything is
there is no stand still
though everything's laid out
in a plan, on a set, in a script before us
left for us to burn
the continuing paradoxes of life

Us On Worse Terms

you're a liar with the disease of desire
fixation on the blood escaping your arm
darling don't you dare deceive me tonight
with too much at stake for you to fake winning this fight

i share no trust with you and this guilt containing longing is past overdue
if i were to sink into your grasp i'd surely count on betrayal on my behalf
with skin too tight to hold all your scheming inside, when it tears open there goes all your pride
fluttering by my wings won't be torn and you'll be laid to rest in scorn
oh rest in peace you dear thief in fear the whole world is watching

1
you're a sinner and a saint with a god complex to hate
kneeling at the alter, you're the one at fault here
and as the sky turns to grey, all meaning slips away
should've thought it over, thought you were so damn clever

2
eyes to match a sunset with a disguise to keep me guessing
you're all that's left and for the world being so cruel
i can't help but smile when i'm around you
scars filled with good intentions, bars in our minds to block the apprehension
i'll take you to the skyline, miles from the pain left behind
they won't know where we went, just say it'll be life well spent

wind
i left school today, started running so far away
won't let it catch me 'til i fall to my knees
meant to haunt me for life
i can feel it under my stride
wish you would have mentioned
nature's cruel intentions
even the birds are at mercy
the sailors at sea filled with worry.

my stepdad is so annoying.
seriously.
i was napping and he goes and plays the keyboard on the organ setting so loud that it wakes me up.
i'm assuming he did it so i'd get up and leave because he's a jerk and wanted to watch tv.
but no i'm never allowed to have the keyboard above a certain volume even when no ones watching tv.
i just wanna leave here and never see him again.
not to mention i've been in a horrible mood without him adding to it.
i can't see sierra and all i've been doing for the past like two weeks was going over her house.
so now all i do is eat everything in the house, draw all over my walls, write poetry, and watch NCIS, CSI and criminal minds.
She got me addicted to those shows unfortunately.
But not the paranormal shows thank god.
i just keep wondering if she's okay.
but then i think it's kind of clingy.
so i try to leave her alone.
not that we're dating.
i'm just trying to avoid being clingy because we hang out SO much.
but anyways, i'm actually doing my homework.
it's not that bad.
and i sort of like the book we were assigned in english.
i'm half way through it.
maybe i'll finish it by tomorrow because i read the first half in about a day.
i think my poetry is getting better.
it's coming more easily to me though.
now.. to just wait for my stepdad to fall asleep so i can go back to watching NCIS.
I suck.

hope i get to see you soon..

hey little blue jay why don't you sing?
was the downpour too heavy?
did it burn? did it sting?
hey little blue jay so far from the sky
where did your wings go?
why can't you fly?

they'll bury you deep in your grave
so far below
let the wind carry your spirit
where ever it blows
wish you could've been saved
but i was a little too late
i'll bring you to the heavens
i'll be your saving grace

"In a sick way I want to thank you for holding my head up late at night
While I was busy waging wars on myself, you were trying to stop the fight
You never doubted my warped opinions on things like suicidal hate
You made me compliment myself when it was way too hard to take..


Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you
Hate me in ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you

And with a sad heart I say bye to you and wave
Kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made
And like a baby boy I never was a man
Until I saw your blue eyes cry and I held your face in my hand
And then I fell down yelling, "Make it go away,"
just make a smile come back and shine just like it used to be
And then she whispered, "How can you do this to me?" "